In tHe LiFe of JAMES

Miss miss ...

2009-06-26T10:40:00.002+08:00

Out of the blue, and well here I am.
At work currently, surfing the net, finding ideas and well of course missing my Miss Naughty :)

I notice the changes in her, giving in to me and compromise which i really feel glad and thanks for her understanding. Just want her to know i treasure her and thanks for everything. Forgive me on my sensitiveness and etc. Am glad now at least we do say out each other wrong or unhappiness things at times and without letting anger rule over our head...

My love birthday is coming, i been racking my brains .. looking around .. and well ... we sure see :P

And as usual, i love surfing around love site and i came across this .. ABC of love :) - well pretty meaning ..

Advocate for your lover whenever they need you.
Be a great team player.
Collect your thoughts before a confrontation.
Discuss, don’t nag.
Exercise your ability to turn them on.
Find new adventures to embark on together.
Give them reasons why you love them each and every day.
Hold your partner’s hand while you walk down the street.
Include each other in decision making.
Judge not the mistakes of the past.
Kiss slowly, forgive quickly.
Learn your partner’s love language.
Make love when he needs to be loved.
Never put him down in front of others.
Open your mind to change.
Plan grand gestures of love for them every so often.
Quit your bad habits.
Resist temptation.
Support to your partner’s dreams and desires.
Trust your partner more than you trust anyone else.
Underestimate not the power of praise.
Value his attributes and strengths.
Welcome his advice.
X out selfishness.
Yield and compromise when your partner needs you to.
Zeal and creativity is how you please him between the sheets.

*miss miss

我的野蛮女友 !

2009-06-20T08:45:00.003+08:00

Life being great ... so far so good , been awhile i chill, club, catching up with friends, etc.

Just work, be a houseman doing housework, be a nice BF seeking for attention, playing my ps3 .. simple ? i guess so and yet pretty sextisfying ... faint :)

This GF of mine had been pretty notty but yet stealing my heart away.
Usually my past gals would be pretty quiet and don't argue with me much ... and now, don't know is it retribution, well this gf of mine is never afraid of me .. Oops, just kidding, nothing much to complain about except i guess i can differentship and appreciate the things she had done so far for me, just just at times, well her stubbornness can really kill me. Still coping fine, learning to adapt and be tactical about it. Just want her to know, no matter what happen, is because i care and i love her.

IN LIFE, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed and annoyed.
We don't really have to go looking for them.

We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise.

Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or annoying
things when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things before us? As long we always remember the initially part that lead to anything, be it bad or good, the point is usually the starting point is because we care.

I believe that WE ARE HAPPIEST WHEN we see and praise the good and try our best to forego the mistakes of our spouse Nobody's perfect but we can find perfection in making it together to walk a longer path, to change the way we see them. Its is necessary to understand the difficulties and be a helping hand to each other.... THAT BRIGHTENS THE RELATIONSHIP .

That is something which i want my dear you to know, and that is something in you which i love. Be it you're the tiger, i still love you. Be it the small little temper, your stubbornness, i still love you. But just hope you do understand my intention and my love for you. I know my short coming at times, but whenever something happen, i do reflect and think about it, well because when we show one pointing finger towards others, three fingers are pointing towards us only. :)

You always say i don't understand nor i do appreciate .. be it anger filling your head to lead to this but still i wanted to say i do, i can feel, i can see. Maybe at times is i care too much or well my way of solving things to care, to be nice and sweet.

Well the good thing is, your good point and my love for you make up for all those imperfectness which i will never give up, because you are the one i be searching for, someone who make me feel to settle down, someone who share the same mentality as me.

You make me smile when I hear your voice. You make my heart race just thinking about you. You are the most wonderful woman I've ever known in my life till date.

The past is the past,well they are good of course, because they make up my life till now, they make me grow up and learn to love, making me having the right mind set now, as i mention before, i thanks them for whoever you're, now i only look forward and give my blessing to my past, say hi to me when you see me, and looking forward to another stage of my life.

Well my love,iF i do broke your heart at times and I don't know how to make it right, do forgive me, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying.

You are the love of my life now. God sent me an Angel and her name is Joanne... the queen in my life now. Although at times really give me one big one small ball :P

For you -

I long to show you how much I love you

All the love in the world can not compare to the love I have for you

You bring joy into my life, laughter into my days

Tears to my eyes when you're not beside me

I long for you to be happy and to be loved like you want to be loved

I want to give myself to you forever

I LOVE YOU

I would walk the ends of the earth for you if it meant it would show people how much you mean to me

To look into your eyes and know that our love for one another is eternal

No one or nothing could change the way I feel for you

I know that we will be together until the end of time

You are always in my thoughts, my heart and dreams

I LOVE YOU

This I dedicate to you, to show you how much you mean to me

All my love

PS - m so sleepy in office now ..

LIfe now ..

2009-05-21T11:38:00.003+08:00

Everything seems so nice to be .. having the right feeling .. and yet i guess along the path ... i would say it is not easy to walk through .. u hurt someone in the process of searching ... and yet today i met someone who tend to understand what i want and what it takes to walk a longer path.

I always told myself whatever i did, i do, i must be clear to my heart .. but maybe one thing i always feel bad is relationship, but the least i told myself i did and do my part. Feeling bad as in i am selfish in a way, i know what i want ... and when till the day my partner don't understand me, i will walk away and sway away .. and i didn't handle that part well... whatever in the past relationship make me learn something along the way, i don't hate them, i thanks them for once being part of my life to make me become and have what i want today. Am a person who don't live in my shadow but well i will feel bad at times, and i hope they are doing good and i don't wish to see them down too.

I always belive to face our past and take tings positive, the only way we can move on ahead and hold our head up and find our happiness.

It been awhile i have this feeling that makes me feel more happy, makes me smile more, a person that i can trust on, someone when you see i can have a future with, she is focused on me, hopefully am not on the second place in her life, and of course to have a balance in life, communication, to spice up life, be it sexually, mentatly, etc....

Friends for now i guess well i might be straight forward but am always trueful to friends .. i guess i did my part too ...

I guess no one is perfect .. but lots of things we just can't see things on the surface but have to look beyond it... be it fate or well anything, i treasure what i have now, i do my part to keep it going and lasting to be .. take example of what happen around us and learn from it, understand it on why it happens ... and well dun let anger rules over our mind ...

Well, usually i only blog when i'am unhappy, but now i am not unhappy, maybe just to express my feeling using another way ...

Here i have to Say .. wondering ...

2009-04-20T19:36:00.002+08:00

When things happen i guess, its not u nor me alone .. it takes 2 hand to clap ..

When you love someone and the relationship has to end in any reason that hurt us both, it has to end right at that moment and i guess i have to accept it and let go. don't have to ask questions why it happened; don't have to look for answers because i will see none, just selfishness. Things could get ugly if insist looking for it.

Don't try to change the course of fate, if it's meant to end then it has to end and let go i guess, a consolation prize to console myself in a way or selfishness, not used to it ...

I cannot patch the holes and loopholes that happened to both of us. There will always be grudges, blaming and comparison with each other. It's the way it is; its how letting go is. There could never be a nicer way to do it, but to let go and accept it. Only time could tell if all wounds have healed, things will fall in their right places at the right time. As the old adage goes "Time will heal all wounds" as old as it is, it is still true even to this time...

When it comes to relationships, it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong. Yes, we will go through the process of fighting for our rights because we think we are right but at the end it really doesn't matter. Relationship lasts because it's meant to last, it will end if it's not meant to last and you have to let go if we don't know how to make it works together ...

All i have to say, i did love you and i feel bad now .. i will feel uneasy and recall when you're around .. i will look at our picture and say how sweet it is .. i will recall every moment u're around ... the cute you, your stupid face .. the way you talk back to me, copying what i say ... everything little single things you say .. you do ..thanks for being part of my life ... i guess that is the best way we have to part, please do remember what i have say before, whatever or how bad it is, its all for your own good ..look forward and don't be native to certain things .. and most important ..do take care ya ...

What is love to me .. in this era ...

2009-04-20T15:02:00.002+08:00

When you love someone, you want to be with them. Not just be with them, but share everything with them. You have a great day at work and want to rush home and tell them every wonderful thing that has happened. You feel excited at the prospect of just being in their company, just being close to them isn't enough, you want to be a part of them, a part of their life forever. You can't stand the thought of being away from them yet, when you are, you still feel that ever-present bond that ties you together wherever you go. You can almost feel what they are feeling. You feel like, with a little bit of effort, you can see what they are seeing and think what they are thinking. It is almost as if you both can occupy each other's bodies with complete trust and harmony. That to me is love... to know what it takes to tie a guy down and to feel love .. in this era, there is not such things as fairy tales story, loving each other ever as forever to be .. it all takes lots of factor to be .. Guy somehow on the other hand can be a bit MCP (Male chauvinist Pig) .. is the same as want to tie a guy down, u need to fill his hunger ... but to a certain extend, to much MCP make the ger miserable somehow to be ...

Now, on the other side of the spectrum, there are a host of emotions that people confuse with love. One of the most common is lust. There is a difference between wanting to sleep with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone...

Being overly dependent on the other person is also not a part of love. Some people fall into the trap of thinking they love someone just because they are afraid to be alone. They have become dependent on the other person for so much that they don't know how to make it on their own, or they would much rather be with someone than no-one.

This leads to the old cliché, in order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. Well, we've all heard that before, but what does it really mean? It means that you have to be confident in your own ability and your own judgement. You really have to like yourself and know what you have to offer another person. There is no way that you can love another person if you are so stuck in your own hang-ups that you bow down and propitiate to the other person. That is, you do anything they ask and agree with everything they say out of fear that they will love you less because you don't do those things... well who understand that anyway ..

I Guess We experience situations for a reason. Not every situation is going to be idyllic...

M getting pretty tired over lots of things in life that i'm struggling with .. and yet i can't find a motivation to it .. nor to share about it ... nor the facts m getting older each year ...
when your heart is calling you a traitor the second you think about it? and that make me feels i cant and i try that i did .. well honestly speaking the facts is i cant yet i am hiding to be .. hiding everything to be yet becoming another person ..feeling guilt and bad ...and struggling to pass by everyday ..

Well i guess not allot do understand ... well .. m selfish ..yet cant bear to be hard hearted ...

16th years of memory of my Mum

2009-04-01T11:45:00.002+08:00

Hmm somehow this day bring back memories .. duno issit sad or well issit glad to be ... all along my dad will think i very the boxin, never once visit my mum once or rather this date to be.

Honestly speaking, she is always in my heart, till now i never forget abt her, never forget how she look, never forget the things she does for me and my sister.

Right here, all i can tell her is well am doing fine, trying to be better, and once sister is out, i will take care of her wholeheartedly.

I know i spend rather sometimes to be better, or rather wasted sometimes to be.
But today somehow wake me up abit, instead reminding me of something.

If you're up there watching me, i hope you do believe in me to see what i am doing .. love you always, my dearest mum.

M i lost ....

2009-03-15T23:55:00.003+08:00

Been awhile i blog ... somehow recently i feel lost, and i choose not to bother with anything .. something is amiss ...

B had been nice ... but somehow i feel and i think .. is she really happy ..deep down m thinking am i the one or am i really been so demanding ... will she be the one ? But no matter what, i can't bear to hurt her in a way ...

Work not going well recently ... and allot of stuff came running into my mind .. and some stuff which i have leave it for awhile, need to be dug up and solve it too ... and i told myself i being too irresponsible towards certain stuff.. and how many more years can i leave it there and how many more years can i afford to run away from it ..

I sit down now and really did some thinking, can't help feeling emo, thinking what is my direction now, where do i see myself in a few years times... to a certain extend, i had not being really very honest to myself, and choose to hide it away, not to think about it... This days, i am not being very positive ... even my mask is coming off .. too tired ...mentality tired. Even too lazy to bother.

I been catching up with friends, close friends ... sisters ... one thing when I'm out with them, at least i feel very glad to have them around .. want them to be happy too ...

The me now is pausing somehow .. don't know where to move, don't know where to go, just wish to slp all the way ..not to think, not to bother ... wondering where is my drive now .. or i guess i just need to grumble for now ..feeling too stress let me wonder around too much .. think too much ...

珍惜你爱的人和爱你的人

2008-12-31T09:27:00.002+08:00

因为爱过，所以不会成敌人；因为伤过，所以不会做朋友。

如果，前世的五百次回眸才换来今生的擦肩而过，那想来已经很幸福了――
其实，擦肩而过，也是一种很深的缘分。

佛说：五百次的回眸才能换来今生的擦肩而过。可以一秒钟遇到一个人，一分钟认识一个人，一个小时喜欢上一个人，一天时间爱上一个人，但是却要用一辈子去忘记一个人。

当她不爱你的时候，无论过去她是否爱过还是后来忘了，又或者是从未爱过，当你无法再成为她心里的那个人的时候，她的心便不会记得你。

请不要在你不开心时去打搅她，她那儿绝对不是你此刻应该的去处。

请不要与她讲你的琐事，她无暇更是没有兴趣去了解你、你的生活。即使讲了，她也很快会忘记的。没有爱，你注定挤不进她的生命。

请不要在她的面前流眼泪，她无法给予你照顾和关心，至多只是一点同情。只有爱你的人，才会真正的去珍惜你，而不是，旁观的同情和怜悯。当她不爱你的时候，你的爱便是她的负担。

请不要去计算自己的付出，不要希望有什么音箱。你用心，她无心，爱着不爱自己的人，本身便是没有回报的。不要计较对与错，这样会快乐些。

请不要失去自信，因为爱一个人，并非她的优秀，而只是一种感觉。她让你有这样的感觉，于是你爱她。同样，她不爱你，也并非你不优秀。优秀，不是爱的理由。还有那么多爱自己的人，淡淡地微笑一下，也是异样甜美的。

当她不爱你的时候，也一定要祝福她。有了爱，便不该有恨，因为曾经有爱，有爱的日子里是快乐的，有缘在一起也是快乐，有过快乐有过爱，就不会再有恨。她失去的是一个爱她的人，而你失去了一个不爱你的人，却得到了一个重新生活、重新去爱的机会。请你深深呼吸，一生的路上，铺满了爱的花蕾，总有那么一朵属于你，花儿虽多，却没有重复的一朵，这是生生世世早已经注定的。

当她不爱你的时候，就是你从他生活中消失的时候，第一时间离开她，骄傲地过属于自己的生活。同时，你也希望她能幸福快乐，找到属于她的未来。轻轻拥抱一下回忆里的温暖，轻柔地凝视凋谢的温柔。无论结果怎样都会破坏了曾经的美感。干干净净地离开，也许若干年后的某个午后，阳光下的她眯起双眼会记起某个美好的瞬间，会心一笑。种种怀念，值了。

爱不一定要离心机。曾经拥有的也许会是你一生最美好的回忆。因为爱过，所以不会成敌人；因为伤过，所以不会做朋友；只能是最熟悉的陌生人。爱过知情重，醉过知酒浓。关于爱的记忆，应该好好收藏，只是今后的幸福，要各自去寻找。

爱是一种感觉，不爱也是一种感觉，而往往难以抉择的是心中的感觉到底是爱还是不爱。原来握在手里的，不一定就是你们真正拥有的；你们所拥有的，也不一定就是你们真正铭刻在心的。人生很多时候需要自觉的放弃，因为拥有的时候，你们也许正在失去，而放弃的时候，你们也许又在重新获得。

明白的人懂得放弃，真情的人懂得牺牲，幸福的人懂得超脱。对不密集架自己的人，最需要的是理解、放弃和祝福。过多的自作多情是在乞求对方的施舍。爱与被爱，都是让人幸福的事情。不要让这些变成痛苦。既然你们已经经历了，多年以后，偶尔想起，希望都是美好的回忆。活的自信些，开心些，把最美的微笑留给伤你最深的人，聪明的人知道自己要快乐。

珍惜你爱的人和爱你的人.

Being awhile since i blog ..usually when i blog is because i feel sucky.Unexpectedly being doused with an icy cold bucket of water.

THe above things which i came across ..meaningful .. all along i try to smile to bring to my surrounding ... never expect others, my the other half or well to understand ... and who will ..maybe except my Gay will ...0.0

Nevertheless, emotion tends to be very obvious from me.
Never expect to be crying for the longest in this recent years ...and yet it did happen ..

Never expect to be gracious, demanding, taking things positive, end up is hurting myself.

Never expect the thought to found the one and yet turn up to be another emptiness to understand the meaning of walking hand in hand instead of perfectness.

Something that develops and grows, and also can shrink as well if not attending to. Love is not predestined that is for sure...but it can appear out of no where and happen anywhere and up to a couple to make things work out ..

Always, emotions have followed my intellect. Never the other way around. So, for me, it was always a choice. Never predestined, or anything like that... always up to us to see to feel to find to make the path longer.

Accept responsibility that we contributed to the demise of the relationship, however, that it was also a two-way street. There's no need to dwell on what each person "did" or "did not" do. Assess it what relationship areas we could probably address for future relationships and make a commitment to do something about it or to work things out in pair ..

sigh ..juz feel like nagging abit, don't no what m i saying too ...

Down down down .. hope blogging make my time pass faster ..

Nevertheless, 2009 ? Zzzzz

Out of the BLue ...

2008-12-08T13:39:00.002+08:00

Well damm it .. my pay heven came in dupz ...and well i being home for the past few days .. thinking about stuff ... wondering when my hp will ring ...

Somehow or rather, m thinking, and i came across this article which i find it interesting ...

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness - and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

True ? but as a guy well it is quite true for me lol ..it all point down to communication and again like i say, its all about making the right tracks and to understand wat it takes to be.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter - it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Interesting ya but well it is quite true ...

I seems to be hinting something afterall lol ..

Well later then ...

Been Awhile

2008-11-21T18:15:00.006+08:00

Been awhile since i last blog.

What have i been doing ? Swaying around, looking around .. working ..

And somehow recently i began to be mentality very tired.
Longing for something and hope to be love .. craving for the feeling ..

Love is like the ocean. Everybody sees something different when they look at it. For some, it's a place to have fun. For others, it's a scary place where you can drown or be eaten by sharks.

When you're standing on the shore, you see the waves go one by one after the other. You see the flow of the tide. So you think it comes and it goes.

Where you're sitting on the surface, it takes some getting used to. Sometimes it's choppy. Sometimes the waves are really big. Sometimes it's flat and there's not wind. And you think there's a lot of scary stuff lurking below, like undertows, stingrays, jellyfish, and sharks -- all waiting to hurt you -- or worse.

But when you're in it, it's all around you. And most of the earth is ocean. It never requires proof because it's always there. And it's always been there.

Of course, there are always going to be some people in the ocean who are always trying to get somewhere. But there will always be the few who understand that they're already there...

Well same old stories, people complain but never knew what is there and already there or to make things happen.

There are many factors in my life that has gotten me where I am today. One of the surprising things that has had a tremendous impact in my life i guess is when i was 14 and well sigh long story, one is the shortage of love that somehow lead to be very independent and to fight for what i want, and after fighting for what i have, i become too obesse in it and thus taking things for granted and living in a world of entertainment, attention, etc.

And now .. learn to be satisfy,and realize what is more important ...
Trying to make everyday count.
Make every feeling towards someone good. Don't be angry or bitter. Be free from the horrible pattern that this world is taking all of us through ... lol

Somehow deep down .. m really tired .. always going thru the same process, SOP ..lol
And how many really do understand ... or to know our well being and the things we say to guide and to make it better ...

Well the story keep repeating over the years, when will it come to a good ending ..

Heh been awhile i chill out ..

THe 3rd weeks i being siGhing ...

2008-09-27T03:17:00.003+08:00

Feeling rather moody for the past few weeks and i shut myself off, and sleep my day away .. sleeping for more then u can imagine .. siGh ...

At times i thought that i really had let go of the past, but sometimes i wished that something had never end. For the past few mths without her, i been living a life without tomorrow. Spend like there's no tomorrow, club like there's no tomorrow. But end of the day i still feel empty. I really dun enjoy the life i living now. i really wish for something that i proud of and worth working for.

But well i gueSs the priority now is to make my every day full fill to be with a JOb that i like .. i always wonder when will be the day someone will recognize my ability, i always think i can do better if given the chance... well recently i start to have another thinking, should i try to switch my belief from love stories to realistic stories to be ..

Then TODAY my Gay friend told me ..heh you finally wake up to your ideas .. lol.
Am i all the while living in a land of fantasy, hoping and wishing for fairy like stories ..

Hatezz say :-
Been watching 溏心風暴之家好月圓. How i wish that i had a family like their. Been like crying for almost every episodes. How i wish that i had that kind of family warm. Few days back, i missed home-cook food so much. It been like ages since i had someone cooking for me. That kind of warm that i always long for. Whenever i passby my neighbour house at dinner time, i feel the kind of sour running through me. At times i wish that i could start afresh at a foreign country where no one know who i'm and no one or things that remind me of my past.

James say well Hi^5, i wish too .. it always being in my thoughts and for one reason why i cannot forget someone .. not because of anything but the feeling she give me which i being craving for so long ..and everything is just what i want to be, something which i feel warm from her love and all because of my stupid principle, things had to turn another way round ..

And so i sms her out of the blue and ask her How r u ..have have u been ..
The reply is well .. "Can u dun bother to msg me? I dun feel like received yr msg. I been very well nt tgt wif u." sound disheartening ya .. I just reply ..that was not what i meant, just being concern as a friend ..

At the end of the day ..the greatest enemy is still me, the me who causes all this to happen .. but still i believe one day someone out there will understand ..

Wad a WeEkend ..

2008-09-22T09:51:00.003+08:00

WEnt to Lunar on Sat for Gab birthday and spent the whole of Sun sleeping .. lol can't believe it .. i guess to make up the lack of slp ..and after so many drinks on sat ..

Lunar was celebrating their 1 year anniversary, so Cao Ge was there to sing for the night .. hmm not really a huge fan of him but well still enjoy listening to the song anyway .. but there was really allot of fans of his on that night .. Me and my friends were like sitting right in front of Cao Ge and behind me, wow pretty actress .. i didn't realize that till my friend told me .. never knew face to face they're so pretty.. and quite friendly too, at least don't look dao ..well i don't remember what their name anyway hee ..

Lol then there was this moment when Cao Ge went down from stage to shake hand with the peeps in front and well lol so when he was about to shake hand with me, he took his hand off .. lol look so ps for a moment then ... faint.

Had quite a number of drinks but still manage to pull it off being drunk .. lol
Not a bad night with friends around and catching up with friend which i have not seem for quite awhile .. and in between went over to MOS, as usual sign people in and well drinks again ..

The night ended when the birthday boy was drunk hee ..

Oh well i guess i need to find a job fast ..m getting bored already ..and going broke soon with every weekend drink drank drunk .. lol

But then .. i still feel kind of low morale and no motivation .. no aim no target ..sian and becoming so lazy .. just don't wish to think ..so i guess i spent most of the time sleeping away .. sigh ..

Hope it get better soon ..

What a Night ...

2008-09-14T07:28:00.004+08:00

Hmm went clubbing at MOS ... saw allot of friends ..sisters too ..
And allot of my friend that went together with me .. and today really broke record ..sign in i guess got 15 people ? lol so pai seh .. and i have to PR again haha ..

Well lots of drinks .. end up 1 drunk ..few high .. and left 3 bottle of wine behind for not able to finish it ... i think total got 12 bottles of wine lol.

I try to find back certain feeling but well i don't seems to enjoy at all... even dance floor feel boring or well just can't stand guys nowadays, so end up being body guard.. i really can't stand some guy, don't understand what is so nice just to stand there and bua from behind .. there is this guy really sway ..he try to bua with 2 of my gal friends ..then end up i chase him off then he go try his luck on another group of gals, then well my friends too .. end up chase him away too, but still so thick skin then i push him off .. really nerd ..don't even dare to do anything, then his friend keep saying ps .. lol .. but well i do admire their thick skin and being ignorance haha ... well i try to enjoy too with the gals around but somehow i really don't feel anything nor i enjoy it .. so well just take care of them ..

Haiz, at times i guess m really getting old .. things i want change ..point of view looking towards certain things change too ... i really wonder when will be my turn to have a chance of luck.

M i really holding too much to the past .. like what my gay friend say .. so the below song suit me .. lol

收藏再眼眸，常徘徊左右
爱，猜到没有？
愉快玩笑后
能全然退后
你开心就够
这种感觉太真厚
讲一千句也不够
假使讲了你听到后，或会走
这种恋爱太罕有
不需真正拥有
成全，衷心祝福然后...
就放手
放手，放开所有
彼此更自由，放手...
其实我决非爱得不够！
放手，豁出所有
还有这个好友，已经，已经足够...
遥远是宇宙
静静在背后
去看守就够
这种感觉太深厚
讲一千句也不够
即使一刹有过冲动
挽你手
这种恋爱太罕有
不需真正拥有
成全，多舍不得仍然是放手
放手，放开所有，彼此更自由
放手，其实我决非爱得不够
放手，豁出所有，还有这个好友
经，已经足够
放手，我的牵挂，找不到尽头
放手，寄望你幸福什么都有
也许，爱很深厚
而我，早看得透
放手，只可拥有

Hmm m i doing too many bad things ..well let me think back ..to be honest not really .. i treat everyone with my heart, take care of them, even if things happen, i don't cheat to gain something or to cheat for the needs, so well what went wrong, maybe m just not bastard enough .. or well m really too soft hearted to certain things, even my work goes wrong, i really wonder what is wrong with me to cause all this things.

But for everything that went wrong, i guess somehow i had to play a part .. be it me, wrong or right .. i had to be positive, as long as i still hold on to my ethic i guess ...

well ... wtf now is 8 am ..and i still not slping faint ..

Rainy blue sky day ...

2008-09-03T18:53:00.004+08:00

I been hibernating for awhile .. well time to wakie ..doesn't mean i m lazing anyway :)

I’ve been watching Forensic Heroes 2 and one of the song - You are my Angel. The lyrics are really simple and the song is beautiful.

Once upon a time,
Arcangel in the sky,
May it cover every night,

Once upon a time,
The angel loved me so,
It’s a miracle in the snow, my heart won’t be cold

My dear, you are my angel,
Tell me what you know,
Something should be told

My dear, you are my angel,
Tell me where you go,
I will brace behind your love

* Dun cry over what we lost ... laugh for what we have and treasure

Sigh Zzzz

2008-08-30T14:27:00.003+08:00

Okie i fire the company i been working at ...lol or rather the other way round ..
And now really make me think .. y work so hard .. juz go work 9 am, on the dock 6 am head home ..juz follow the book ...it save your ass more but become so meaningless ..

Sigh .. i would not even feel so down if i have not done anything for the company .. all my effort and my initiative .. sigh .. all the implementation, changes which i made for the company .. so much for all those management to make it better and my objective for the company .... and this is what i get .. bonus also gone ..

Duno what i writing ..just feel like bitching .. damm feeling sucks .... and till only yest 5.30pm then told me, we no longer need your service ... i don't even need to handover .. great ..just want me to leave and ask people to watch at me to pack ..wtf ..

My colleague ask me to fight for it ..but i guess whats the point ..

All i want to say, well at least i had the chance to be working with them at least :) thanks ..

4get it .. bitch another time .. nb #$@#%%$#%^%%&^&

Current Affairs

2008-08-24T13:23:00.006+08:00

I've just been so busy lately. I have been working and working which takes up most of my free time. I've been going out to sea, and it has really got me thinking about things. So many things!! Deep stuff that you have to force your mind to get in there and reach for the nitty gritty details. I am enjoying the sea, that's for sure.

Had not been chilling, clubbing, drinking lately ... just work then home .. getting no life again, must spice up soon, its really getting boring for James, lol.

"TO DWELL IN THE PAST, LEADS A SAVAGE HEART, BUT TO STAY IN THE NOW, BREADS A FRESH NEW START. FOR THE FUTURE WE HOLD, WE CANNOT TELL, FOR THAT CHANCE WE TAKE, READS A WHOLE NEW TALE"

Does loving myself unconditionally mean I have to love everything I've ever done?
This question came across my mind, and i ask myself, to be honest, i never did love myself more then my the other partner and other stuff.

I've done things of which I have been ashamed. However, when we love ourselves unconditionally we don't dwell on these past events. We don't make them the focus of how we see ourselves. When we can we correct them. We call them mistakes and learn from them so that we don't do them again, but eventually i learn the mistake but i still blame this and that somehow deep in me, ye moving on but well need allot of pushing factor to be.

Often, though, it's not that clear. Many of us are good at presenting a positive personal(mask) to the world. Inside, though, we may be riddled with doubts about ourselves. We may be nervous about how our remarks or appearance are received. We may meet someone to whom we're attracted and silently affirm that (s)he would never, NEVER be interested in us. This way we avoid the fear of rejection by not taking a risk.

Well, but still i guess as long as we're being faithful to what we do and being truthful to ourselves and others, don't cheat to get something, i guess we already answer to ourselves.. someday i guess even by cheating ourselves, we will get what we want .. as long as we don't give up ..

Well now is lunchy time .. just lazing around in office, reading blog, writing blog, at times when i read that GAY blog, it really speak what i want to say, i think next time i should just cut and paste .. and keep sending me emo song .. faint faint.

Hmm .. don't dwell on to the past,it's never good to dwell on the past.
At times all this stupid stuff are the reasons I don't want to get out of bed anymore, but i still i find reason to drag myself out then, just because i want something that i laugh and smile from the bottom of my heart.

Recently i think i did something bad in the eyes of what they think and feel, hope i never break anyone hearts, but well I say, its not as what they think and thought, that is all enough to be say.

Time to eat ..

Happy birthday to me :)

2008-08-23T14:48:00.003+08:00

Well never really celebrate but the least was hopping for something but i guess i just have me and myself then ...

Well just another day .. yesterday at work, well my colleagues bought a small cake for me, sweet enough, thanks for the thoughts ...

Thanks to those for your wishes too ...

Okie ..was reading my Gay blog .. okie .. well thanks bro ..
THis is what he write on his blog .. lol

Saturday, August 23, 2008
Happy B-Day Gay
Happy B-day Gay, may all your wish come true. Haha. Who the gay buddy that i been mentioning?? He's a close buddy of mine, James. We not really gay. We wish... haha but we dun like sword fighting. Thanks for accompany me for the past few mths, really appreciated that. Haha, u been asking me to write about you.... Guess i should, since you not been making me emo enough to blog.. haha

Where should i start???... hmmmmmmmmm....

I know tis gay buddy of mine from Shattered Galaxy(a online game)... At the time, both of us are leader of 2 diff regiment, our path crossed when both of us are busy wif work and we decide to merged the 2 regiments and throw the shit work to each other.. haha.

James, a cheerful and entertaining gay who know how to entertain and joke abt anything in the world even abt him been gay... haha. A night out wif him wont b boring. He really a caring person, at times i wish i'm gay and fall in love wif him.. haha. For friends and his god-sisters, he can really go the extra miles to protect and give his very best. But i guess he had gone through alot and long for a good relation and a family of his own. But at times, he dun really know how to let go and move on wif his life and wish that things could change for the best.

Gay, learn to let go and move on wif our life. I believe 1 day, we will find the love we want and have a family we call our own.... May all your wish come true and love me deep deep... haha

p/s. abit high and rushing for mj.. will updated it further when i more sober.. haha...

p/p/s. I Love You.... Happy B-day and May All Your Dream Come True.... Haha

Damm gay but i must clarify ..we're not .. haha ..

SOmehow someone had really let me down, i told myself that will be the last time .. be it true or be it i don't understand .. suan le ba .. a selfish person will never spare a thoughts for others ... i guess i did my part .. i hate promises ..i hate even more lies .. if you can't do it, don't say it ... but still you be a part of me that bring me to today ... i m not god nor i m so wei da .. all i want is someone stable, someone who knew what she want and to make a rs work out to walk a longer path .. understand what it means to be happy, had a balance in life and etc ..

Well ..
Time for housework ..

TGIF

2008-08-22T16:35:00.002+08:00

Hmm well

M trying to act bz at work, so i m here ... ^_^

当狗爱上猫 <---- interesting, does it ever happen ?

To go against the impossible and make it possible, to cherish the time spent together rather then to just let it go, and to suffer alone, leaving your love one behind, when your love one just want to spent the rest of the time meaningfully, having a beautiful memories.....

well recently i being losing all motivation, just feel like sleeping everyday like nobody cares ...

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The above picture like nice, took it when i was omw back to jetty ..
Looking at the sea, really make oneself feel clam.

Wondering and wondering ....

Aweful day today ...

2008-08-21T18:26:00.005+08:00

Somehow dun really feel good today .. maybe its really getting near ..
or well along come with some disappointment that make my mood bad .....

Past few day, been busy running around between office and vessel ..
But i been enjoying going on board, enjoy the sea and scenery out there.

sigh .. too many disappointment lately .. Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy -- the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation... Zzzz

having a headache now, not even the mood to write .. other time then ..

Boring Weekend

2008-08-15T17:55:00.006+08:00

Okie what i did last week ..
Work and more work ....

Last Thursday, something new to add on to my job experience, i went on board our company vessel call Bro Venture ..interesting ..took a small boat from west coast jetty, then half an hour boat ride to the main ship ...Nice sea breeze, been awhile .. let me wonder some thoughts ...

Well on board the vessel is indeed interesting, went to the main deck where the captain handle the ship ..well i was there to check on the system anyway .. looking forward to board another vessel soon :)

Nothing interesting recently, just focusing on work then home .. well i realize the nearer it get to my birthday, the more unhappy i feel. At times i wish to have people there to celebrate for me or even someone i love to be there .. but after so many years .. the feeling just get numb.

I guess, We all want, above all, to be heard - but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood - heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant.

But still being the positive me, will still continue to move on, that is life.

I m missing something .. after so long .. "Have i told u lately that i want to hear you ?"
I being trying to move on but all is just lust to me or like i say before just being lead on .. or well again disappointment when i put in effort.

Once awhile i still sms her, but all i get is disappointment or the least not even being as a friend to be, but i just wish her to know she still in me, or the least i wish to know how had she been doing.

Some people hold truth to the myth that there is only ONE love for you out there. This could not be farther from the truth. Humans have the ability to deeply love any person they choose to. True we may have a stronger, intimate connection with some, but it doesn't mean it can only happen once. For whatever reason, this relationship isn't the right one for me? well i duno. If it were, i guess i still be in it.

"When you're feeling down, remember that. Know that your special someone is out there, and when you're ready you WILL find them. But, you have to start looking ahead of you to find him/she. He/she isn't going to be trailing in your shadows."<--- a consolation to be :)

Well m spenting my weekend to watch this i guess 溏心风暴之家好月园 ...
Can't believe it i been watching HK drama recently again ... and again how i wish life is like a drama at times :)

Horoscope ..beliefs ?

2008-08-07T17:11:00.002+08:00

I always heard people mentioning about horoscope and to say something like ya ..all horoscope of this sign are like this or like that ... Whether you are superstitious or skeptical, horoscopes are as popular as they have ever been.

Do i believe ? Not at all! That's all just for entertainment. There's absolutely no truth or research done or anything to place any faith in horoscope

How is that advice different for your sign than any other? Wouldn't that advice be legitimate regardless of what day of the year you were born?

That's how horoscopes work. They just make vague statements and give vague advice that could work for anyone.

Well, there are millions of people sharing your same Astrological Sign. You read your horoscope and by coincidence it may apply to something that may happen tonight. It won't make any sense to most of those with your same sign. Maybe tomorrow one of those who didn't find anything significant on the horoscope that you think applies to you may find something, by chance, that will apply to them somehow. It is just pure chance and coincidence.

But still its a good guide or well a good motivation to be .. but i guess we just can't judge a person by horoscope or to rely on that.

Was at helipad yesterday again, ye with my gay buddy AGAIN. lol then all this topic come into mind and well debating faint faint .. but was a nice windy night to chill.

THen after that, we head to MOS since its free so take a walk lo, met some friends there, do some sight seeing and well then someone call so i make a move.

Happy and sad after that, or rather disappointed.

Nevertheless still keep things positive ...

Young and dangerous haha ...

2008-08-05T17:24:00.005+08:00

Well free again today ..not really that free but still free ...lol

All the sudden i was browsing and came across the Ah beng thingy.
And it remind me when people calling me that ... lol .. i must have a face of that hee.

'Last time, I always had some swear words in all my sentences', now seldom, depends with who and who? well my era, nearly joined a secret society but still taking part in fights during that time, lol.

Well what is my attire during my sec sch times, bright-coloured jeans, white T-shirt, Cartier, JPG wallet and a long sharp-ended comb to keep the hair style in place ? lol ..ask me to do that now, i faint.

The worst i ever encounter is being surrounded and chase by a bunch of Ah beng at bugis after finish eating supper. Our group already have 10 over peeps and imagine being surrounded when step out of the food court.

Ah beng A say - what u looking at ...
Friend A say - well what do you want now ..
Ah beng B say - you were looking at our girls ..

Before my friend can say anything, my friend already kana beaten from behind by a bottle, well the bottle never break .. do u know breaking a bottle was never easy like what you see in shows ... well try it and u know.

During that time .. kao lo ..my friend all run, leaving me there blur blur, lucky i alert, i run too haha ...

Those were one of the accident i encounter .... keke ..

Well i need to chill .. drinking time ...

I love my Job ?

2008-08-04T14:37:00.010+08:00

"I love my job, I love my job"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to convince myself to get out of bed."

There are days when I have to use an excessive amount of will power to get out of bed. Actually what really happens in my brain turns on a mind movie. I'm lying in bed dreaming and find that I'm an excellent swimmer, but a lousy shaver. I seem to have been thinking should i shave later.

It's at that point when my bill dressed as a great white shark come zooming towards me, then onMy i have to wake up. Why is it that everything always seems to make sense in a dream?

I really do like my job. I have a lot or responsibility and flexibility to do my job the way I see fit.
I been so busy for the past few months with deadline and heavy responsibility, stress out and now for this 2 weeks, m super free ... walking around in the office, smoking, surfing net and here writing blog ... dupz faint, wondering what to do next.

Thinking should i just head home, or date someone or stay and work OT.
I realize am becoming so wishy washy to certain things, pounding too much, care about too much , and at the end of the day, nothing is being done, just dragging myself back home.

Something interesting ...

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For the past few weeks, there are moments when I woke up in the middle of the nite feeling empty and the feeling just get worsen each time it comes. There are things which require my immediate attention, but I procrastinating. There are times when I wanted to blog, but no words come out right. I m tired of waiting for things to come; it will not come; and i dun wish it to happen too. Is it my life too mundane, or is the malevolent persistent flu making me exhausted, languid and lonely? I really hate this feeling, nevertheless still part of human art to complain lol.

Comic strip from parka is really amusing me, never fail to make me feel stupid hee

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faint ... wal piang still so long to knock off Zzzz

Make the laughter outweigh the tears ?

2008-08-03T13:32:00.011+08:00

I been wondering wth i being doing lol ..

Definition of my life is going haywire ...
I need to relax and lighten up. Should not take myself too seriously and try not to over analyze things.
We cannot change the past, but we can enjoy today, and look to the future. If we are prepared to take ownership for the past and accept that everything that's happened in our life, good and bad, has made us the person we are - the battle is half won, that is what i always say but still time is going so slow and so many error along the way, so many troubleshooting and debugging to do, sigh hectic.

Well, Take the good with the bad. No one is happy all the time. Everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life.

Sunday bright shinny, wake up, kind of fresh, at least better then the feeling i get before i slept.
looking at the clock, seeing the time and wondering what to do.
Trying to make myself feel better and i guess be gracious and be thankful.

At times i wonder what i am trying to get, is it a short term satisfaction ?
Such as alcohol, sex. , and the effects die out very soon, leaving me with an empty feeling that is sometimes worse than before.. but well people still get happy over it somehow.

Today i read back my the other 2 blog .. i realize till now ..4 lady in my life which i really put in allot of effort for them ... which make me to what i am today.

Firstly Karen - someone who i owe allot ..for 2 years i being with her .... who has gone thru lots of up and down with me, but i guess till now i really feel she is a nice gal and i being selfish during my younger days, and also cause of you, i quit lots of things today which i never being doing and to realize what and how a relationship should be.

Secondly Jean - although just 3 months but she bring out the childishness in me ... someone whom i fall in love with after so long, but well still short and sweet.

Thirdly Michelle - my pillar, my everything that i be proud of, someone which till now inside my heart still hurt for the things i done and i regret.

Fourthly Sherlyn - someone who always have a place in my heart ... but well you throw my effort away, till today, i still hold on to your words for what u say to me.

The rest is either too short term or well being lead on although i wish to put my effort in them but always end up the wrong path or well never make me feel like loving or being love. But there is one who i let her down. or i guess m really too picky somehow.

I keep moving on and moving on but all i get is disappointment.
Lost touch of allot of things, the more i choose not to think the more i feel depress or i can't control my emotion to be .. era change, perspective point of view changes too .. and so how many people do know what they want ..

And well not forgetting my Gay buddy which being with me for this few months, which m really glad .. someone whom i know for many years .. someone also still struggling with life somehow, but i guess not that much ..but well maybe he need to stop being stubborn and listen to others in a way .. hmm wrong i guess, should be well move on to find what you want and don't wait for durian to drop .. but at times i feel he is doing the right way, least he don't get disappointed like what i feel .. but he is hiding in a cornor somewhere, waiting to be spotted by a guy then .. but still thanks ..

What i want is something which i laugh and smile from the bottom of my heart ....

Thinking back, if i ever able to turn back the time, will i still choose to go through what i go through, to love the girl i love, to give all my love to everyone and make the same mistakes i make? I might. As that wat make me who i am today.

At times, we regret about the past we been through and hope that we can turn back the time and undo the mistake. But we had forgotten that if we had not committed the mistakes, we will never able to learn from it and be a better person.

Many times in a relationship, we are always searching for the perfect person and even when in a relationship, we will compared and complaint about our bf/gf and wish that he/she can be the one we want. But we had forgotten the reasons and things that make us fall in love wif him/her. Not matter how much the person being giving to us or good to us, we will still think that it's not enough and asking for more. Wishing that he can be someone else. Everyone got their good and bad sides, at times we juz keep looking at the bad sides and start complaining and forgot about his good sides that we once love and treasure.

In a relationship, no one will be able to advice you and tell you what to do. As long as ur heart feel that it's right then go for it. End of the day, who are we to judge and comment the relationship. Juz treasure the moments and love wif all your heart and nvr regrets.

Happiness is a very subjective factor in one's life. Being happy doesn't depend on achieving what u want, but rather making the best out of what is given. Life isn't fair, it never was. The only thing that can make u completely happy is contentment.. Be content on what u have, but be sure to aim high & never stop believing that u can do better everytime.

Too much lust over love for the past few months ...?

2008-08-03T12:56:00.000+08:00

Being awhile i wrote something, whenever i'm really down, i would write, and somehow i was disappointed with my life recently ...

What have i been doing lately ? - well drinking liquor like no tml, every week drink, every week chill ... and i guess karma do happen ..am i really doing wrong or somehow its not the time yet.

I been enjoying my work, that is where i can find sense of fulfillment.
But other then that, somehow what i have been looking is always not there or either i am too picky.
People i see, people i met, they seemed to me to be painfully naive and their innocence, particularly in the area of sexual morality,evoked my patronising sympathy somehow.

To have sex with someone is a profoundly meaningful thing and if misused the effects can be devastating. Making love for everyday needs ? Sex for communication ? :)

The difference between love and lust. Love honours, values and seeks the best for the beloved. It focuses on the other person. It's selfless, sacrificial and inseparable from commitment. Lust, on the other hand, seeks to use things or people to meet its needs and gratify its desires. It focuses inward on itself, is inherently selfish, and rejects commitment.

But somehow i guess i being native, to believe or easy to be lead on somehow, yes i m gracious on the surface but deep inside me, i feel disappointed.

Lust is powerful and seductive, but it's inherently selfish and opposed to love. As we foster and feed lust in our lives we're dragged inexorably towards isolation, loneliness, insecurity and emptiness. What do we have left when orgasm becomes boring and unsatisfying, left alone to face the pain of guilt and loneliness? and lust often replaces love.

Wait till the lust dies down and see what's left -- then we will blame the sky and earth .. but nevertheless who're we anyway, i guess at least with integrity and not to hurt the other party.

Well lesser expectation will come with lesser disappointment.
At times people just not being truthful somehow, not about what they did but about what they say and we choose to be native to believe it. And when you saw it with your eye, well thats bitches and bullshit.

I always see human beings complaining, saying how emo they feel, how bastard someone can be and bla bla bla ... but well do they really cherish for what they have somehow ...

I guess nothing is explainable, things do happen for a reason but i really hate being cheated or bluff .. the least i don't do that to people and i hope i don't deserve that either. And yes do i really look so native on the surface ? i guess i just continue to believe the time is not ripe yet ...

So much for the past and here I m ...

2008-01-17T06:59:00.000+08:00

Looking back, so much of complain, regrets and disappointment, but well it all happen for a reason.
I have been putting too much effort into love and hopping, still i guess i m hopping.
Life is just full of experiences but you would be amazed how different your life has been compared to others and what is it till now at this stage after so many years.
People come people go, and how many really do stay ?
And so much for lust and desire, whereby how many people do understand or to do know how to handle it together with the everyday life and needs.
Growing up to me now, make one older, wonder more, demand more. As in life factor, looking deeply into it instead of just looking at the surface of it.

Experience and learning seems to happen in fits, stops, and starts. Sometimes it seems one is going nowhere or even backwards. Other times there is steady, plodding progress. And yet other times seem to be peak learning moments, when everything comes together.

Somehow my heart every now and then i been missing someone, recalling the time we spent together, well long story, tired, sure put it down in words another time ..Hmm well to be update again ..

Move On ...

2007-11-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

I guess i have already move on and life never being any great to be now ..has to concentrate on other thing for now .. url change .. more things to change along ..to be update ya

My Thoughts ..

2007-10-28T06:15:00.001+08:00

Somehow or rather been hearing this and that, not a matter of trust but well i always believe a fire can't start without a spark to be.

Hate to hear something bad, not the least being together for once, at least its not really nice i guess to hear all this when people start to degrade, talking about integrity, action and approach to be, and worst that someone don't even realize this, nor to care and without realizing it.

Sadly not even to a point of understanding to spare a thought for me.

Worst, people heart really unpredictable. In front everyone is just like a saint to be, and whereby behind this and that, why people just can't be trueful to themselves.
The least i hate to c is people must really bang their head then they realize the pain.

If life were to be like drama, how nice it would be.

Whatever it is leading to, i guess, its all the action that count to let people has a chance to grad hold of something and to lead to something in regardless of anything. At times i guess i'm really too emotion attach to something and really think too much to care and the behavior to be.

Maybe if i m more naive and simple, the story might change.

To put aside everything or well to simply not to explain, i guess i care that is y here come all the writing .. at times i guess we have to look beyond and not just things on the surface.

Well ..that's it ?

2007-10-26T16:03:00.000+08:00

Cannot imagine me myself being staying at home for so many days ..
really making me damm lazy, time to wakie ... ever since duno when, i been hopping but i guess i get the answer for now .. i tink ..

Thought by doing this what i feel need to be done, is to avoid and to think it over to minimize things to be and don't wish to know or hear anything to make me feel any worst about it... Always the case, no matter how much the trust can be, it still can be effected somehow or rather .. coz certain things we do care ..or care too much ..best bo chap ..

Intimacy begins when you stop pretending to be perfect and start being real with your partner. We get to know each other better as we reveal and negotiate our differences. - True ?

Lol ..

I try to hide and bring the best out of me soon to be .. moving on ..not to mention the least to be .. i guess well look 4ward for next job ba .. damm slacking for now ..make me think too much :)

Arrgghh don't what to write or don't know how to write ... lol nvm next time ..

OUt Of ThE Blue ...

2007-10-23T02:49:00.000+08:00

I been Thinking and Wondering .... Isolating and Choose not to Bother by allot of things and Most important clear to the heart .. really too tired to be bother by all those and well I believe in doing things with heart and those who understand will understand ...

Just hate some idiot with no Ethic or Character, and most important today someone Told me to grow up when that someone dun even know what is going on ... and disappointed coz someone who I tend to care and concern for or even to trust till in regards of what other people say.

And that bloody idiot really pisses me off .. coz it’s all too fake .. in front of people wana act like saint and saying words to gain compassion point ? I don't really care about what topic they're saying but just don't like it to be so fake when u r the one who bring up the topic and in the end acts like so innocent dupz. Then after get scold, run to complain again and wana black mouth me again .. kaoz .. if not other day when I m sad, he will be so call around to say he be there .. knn .. what a fake ass ... wana chee hong also don't hong till no ethic and character la. Trying to act noble somemore ...

I guess this is life, everyone change and no one really remember what that someone has do for them in regardless of anything, say one thing but do another thing, and when in need of favors, will run back all the way to suck u up, same goes for r/s, why must till the end still don't understand and keep insist to be so self center. What goes around really come around.

What sadden me or disappoint me is somehow or rather, she still don't understand after happen so many thing, its not about now I change, now I put my heart and means u have to go along my way without realizing the mistake to be. .

How do you communicate with your spouse if it has a short temper and is also impatient and stressed all the time? It kills me because sometimes I feel as if people doesn't understand me or just doesn't want to hear the drama. It always leads into an argument and I can't stand it. People who love each other, but it's difficult for me because I think communication is being put aside, especially when already having a bad day already.

Anger can be a nasty emotion especially when it can't be directed at its true source... sigh always the case to be ... nowadays people r not as trueful, everyone with a motive to be ..be it anything, how many really do understand and not just looking on the surface to be.

As a couple, as friend, it is easy to wake up one day and find ourselves far off-track from where we intended to be. At the beginning of any relationship or anything, we all have great ideals of how the future will be, but without the right plan, the right mind it can be difficult to achieve these.

Unfortunately, things doesn't always work out the way we want. It's a harsh reality when we realize that happily ever after isn't something that comes automatically. Whatever it is, It Takes Two .... A good relationship is one purely based on trust, if nothing else. Being able to be miles apart yet never worrying a minute about what they're doing. Communication at all times is so important, and most importantly, respect for each other and their need for alone time as well as together time.

Two people trusting each other fully, not being afraid to tell the other what one thinks, whether it be good or bad, and the other respecting their opinion. Being able to enjoy the same things with each other, enjoying each other, and being able to take their separate lives and smoothly combine their lifestyles into a couple's lifestyle. After an argument; it's when you can really respect each other's differences and openly discuss feelings at all times.

I guess at times face don't really worth anything or to help us achieve certain things .. Just be trueful and be accountable to our own feeling and heart to be ..

.. Enough of grumbling for now .. ZZzz

Depress ..LoSt ZZzzz

2007-09-09T13:02:00.001+08:00

Wish to write so here I am. Somehow or rather, deep in me, my heart is tearing, not happy, lost, don’t what the hell I m doing.
Must be love again, it is kind of draining me off, yet I cannot let go.

I been reflecting this 2 day, what causes the thing to be in this way.
What I want in my life to be ?

Been hoping that things will change, but I just lost on don’t what to do.
At times the ability to analyze things and to think can really be bad, cause it bring me all over the world to search for the big logic reason behind it.

In relationship, I want something which make me feel love, very love .. and to be thoughtful, considerate, sweet and be a lovely couple. Be proud of having each other, be there for each other. But till now I m so lost that I hate to speak up, every single things I do nor I speak tend to be understandable. Every single action turn me off.

I always say things r simple, issit me who make it so complicated to be ?
Or am I demanding too much to suit what I want, but the more I think, the more I find it unreasonable at times. The path to walk down is already not easy, y can’t we understand this and to make things for the better to be. If 2 person to be together, is to be truthful then y can’t put down certain pride to think and to understand, instead of letting certain rashness onto our head.

I can always be flexible, to give in and never meant to calculate each and single things to be. All I wan is to understand and to prevent it from happen again.

What does the great wise man say, to learn from the bad and improve, taking in negative as a positive feedback. If do treasure, I guess we will always give in and to make things work.

Damm it at times I really blame myself for doing so many reading to understand how to be a better person or how to understand a person more to be, or even to read positive thingy till at the end of the day, I just wish everyone to have a trueful heart to see things and do things, or m I damm native to be.

Sigh, depression mode again till so lost and feeling less, just very lost till I am giving up everything, no mood to do anything even thought I know my heart is feeling damm sad in it, just wish to cry or just let go. For r/s is really making me crazy, and the feeling of emptiness once again is there, feeling of losing something is there.

I always do thing with my heart and asking for a little appreciation and yet at the end of the day being taken for granted, or well for not treasuring it.

Where is the balance of oneself to be ?
Is it too much to ask for a r/s to be understanding, sharing, considerate, thoughtfulness , be a lovely couple, to be proud of having and to have a balance, to able to communicate.
Everything around me since to be so disappointing for now, maybe if I m lesser sensitive, less emotion to be I guess I be better of .. or well be a bad guy .. trying but to be honest hard to be lol .. just tired of my damm life, have to think for this and that, have to plan money and etc .. and yet who understand or even the life I went though .. ye grumbling Zzz

Writing a letter ...

2007-08-01T11:14:00.000+08:00

At work now, and thus no mood to work at all so i wrote her a letter ..

Hi,

Heh, has no mood to work, my mind is all about you.
The time I spend with u, is something which I am looking forward everyday.
But I m a human too, I wana be dote and love and someone to rely on when I m stress, tired and etc.
Not asking allot but expecting the least of consideration you can give it to me.

Knowing u too well what u get angry for, what thing u don’t like, that is why I avoid doing it even at the means of costing my freedom and etc. U never say it (maybe that is how u feel) but the way u put it show it very clearly.
Example, if I never pick up your phone, its like gona cause another quarrel to happen and worrying u that u be unhappy, I try to avoid things like this to happen.

In life, I don’t know how u understand it but all I can say it is kind of wrong, way of approach and attitude, also the way u r seeing things. But u r not totally hopeless, I told u before, u choose to escape or well avoid to protect yourself in a way, this is wat u tink, but end up u r hurting yourself in a way too and taking away certain happiness and not cherish of what u have, u always demand and thus making it sound like always not enough.

To you, yesterday I may say allot of things that u think I sound bad, but what I say is facts and always take things positive and prove it to me or others that u can do it .. and making your life more worthwhile .. making u more capable to handle things and etc.

At times we have to reflect the things we do, if u ever do have dreams and something u wana achieve, then u have to change for the better to suit the environment and know how to be tactical and adaptable.

U might have your own way, yur way of seeing things, but it take no harm to listen and analyze.

Ever think why u have so many problems or ever think you things is not going smoothly. And why people keep asking me to leave you. Because of the way you portrait to others as an arrogant, bossy, proud and etc .. to u, u may not tink this way, third party always has the clearer view. In work we have to learn to outsmart them. Things don’t just work by showing working OT everyday and etc. But personal skill is important too.
To me because I know u and coz I love u,so advising u, not cause I m complaining, if not I would not spent time to write or to sms. I wana see my dear u to progress further, I wana be a pillar for u.

I know u too well for your temple and the way u handle things, but still there is no point being so head strong and self center. Saying all this not because I wan u back badly, even though I do hope. But the main point is to clarify and make u understand, take it as someone who is supporting u quietly at one side who dun hope for any return, but for someone whom he love dearly. Do it for yourself or be it for your family, not for me, when things happen, we have to be tactical to handle it.

Take your surrounding people and what u see in your daily life as example. If u do feel the same way and know how to say them about their attitude and etc, have u ever think that u r doing this also without knowing it.

Yes in love, I can give in to u everything, but in life to progress and for integrity, that should not be the way.

I been wondering .. and I don’t deny I really do love u, and everything I do, I do it willingly for u.. always wana share with u wat I know and never have the intention to hide unless it’s a while lie and for the seek of certain ego.

I really feel like dropping tears writing this letter .. but somehow I have to face it and I really don’t feel good and finding things to make me occupy coz I know myself too well, I might end up duno drunk where or doing foolish thing, love always being my blind spot.

I duno wat to say .. wondering should I hope for it ..i really duno anything for now .. but I do know one thing I love u and for the best of u, I respect whatever decision and again hopping things goes smoothly for u ..

Take a min to read it and try to understand … and well don’t anyhoe trust ppl, also muz take care, when u r sick then do wat u need to get better, dun be stubborn. Avoid heatly things, smoke less …slp early, a goal and dreams can only be achieve with positive mindset .. and to improve to gain the respect and acknowledge from people.

Till then I guess I will MIA for awhile … to collect back my feeling or watever, and maybe u may say not my business or wat, but I guess that fulfill what u have say to me, not to harass u .. lol wat a bad word to use .. I m just a fool who believe in love …

Love u always now and then .. take a look at our gorillanmonkey.blogspot.com ya .. whatever is there is all for u to read, I do that blog also for us .. and now it no longer matter …

*Hmm Emo time .. lol

My WG Profile ...

2007-08-01T02:16:00.000+08:00

The best and most beautiful things in the world can't be seen, not touched... but are felt in the heart.

When u love someone, I guess i just don't love her for her cute smile.. i just don't love her for the way she holds me nor the way she kiss me .. i just don't love her for how she make me happy. Or how she speaks my name. its not about how she make love to me . Loving her just for who she is..Its what she does good or bad i just take her as she is.. My heart did not beat for her for a reason.it just loved her ..Like that,,, Cuz its not a just one reason nor three or four its just many tiny things making who she is..just love her for who she is....

*The above is for her
*The below is hope she understand the point

Success is all about growing oneself, learning thru experince and strive for it.
USING EVERY ENCOUNTER AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EVALUATE, COACH AND BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE.

Where success is concerned, people are not measured in inches, or pounds, or college degrees, or family background; they are measured by the size of their thinking. How big do we think determines the size of our accomplishments.

The real test of a speaker is not did he stand straight or did he make any mistakes in grammar, but rather did the audience get the points he wanted to put across.

*The below is what i feel in Me

It is not how much you do, but how
much LOVE you put in the doing… <--- this is what loving her means to me.

The purpose of a relationship is to support each other, through times of ups and downs … so in a way, I try my best to inspire myself, so that I can be a pillar to my love … an inspiring passage …

FreAking UpSET !!

2007-08-01T01:53:00.000+08:00

Sigh .. whatever i do, i always have her in my heart, always wan the best for her .. but she is just too hard to communicate, always taking things into her own hand and assume it.

Don't know how to make her understand, or i guess i m having communication problem .. issit the way i put it or well the tone i sound it ... but never ever have the thoughts of what she assume ... i just hope she realize it and to take it negative as a positive feedback to improve.

Why can't the attitude be abit nicer and understand my good intention, i always wana be there for her but always turn to a deaf hear, i just wana be someone to be there to guide her, to protect her, to lend her my shoulder whenever she need it.

Whatever i say is all about life logic, what i went through and see ..

And everytime cause of some unhappiness, argument that causes the spark to happen.
When it can be a discussion to communicate.

Sigh .... still thought of giving her a surprise but well end up 99 days is a breakup day ...
I always been so thoughtful for her .. and i never ever complain or say anything .. but is all about third party point of view .. but what i told them is the say as what i told her, because i see her good side and nicest side .. her adorable her smile that hang me on .. the action she do and the small changes which i can see it ...

But bad thing is .. her moral education, character issues, but i never wanted her to change to another person, just wan her to realize and improve to be a better person for her own seek and future to be ...

The love i shower her is not even equal or to make her understand all this ?
I m really a failure to be ...

Somehow or rather i m loSt ... freaking upset about it .... i m too native at the end of the day to believe in love ....

I just wana her to know, i meant well, if i do sound bad, i guess i m sorry .. i just care and concern too much .. and to love to lose it make me haywire ...

Love U .. i mean it when every time i say this and kiss u to tell u this ... all my promises i never meant to break it .. or even to dishonor it ... but ...... i guess i am not good enough to touch u then ...

Sigh ...

Sigh ...

2007-07-26T03:03:00.000+08:00

Always be there for her, trying to advise her, hope to be there for her when she is down .. and yet my love for her don't seems to be of any help or should i say the least being appreciate.

Whenever i offer her advise, she choose not to listen and when a friend say something, the guy still get a thanx from her .. lol and well who don't know all this... offer her suggestion also like well being pull down all the way to the drain at times.

My love, my concern and everything don't seems to touch her, make her feel warm and etc.

A person who is there for her now and then, cannot even compare to someone who just wana chat her up, or just a friend who she don't even know for long by just offering her some advise get into her good books ? .. lol. Well am i no better then any of this and having her always as my first place.

Haiz, when i m tired, not even the least being concern .. or to even to ask how is my day. Whenever i m stress and yet i cannot show, and still thinking about her.

I just wish to be more love, getting being appreciate, and well communication.. sigh .. getting so stress recently and lost .. emo plus being so negative recently ..

Maybe seeing her not being happy, do get me effected in a way too .. sigh .. and seeing me myself not even to provide her certain things or even to cheer her up, worst not even comparable to just a normal friend .. so who am i .. haiz ..

I juz hate it .. WG dupz and Well Friends ? kaoz !

2007-07-16T12:27:00.001+08:00

I delicate most of my time into whosgoing, which ever u name it, the site, event, etc.
Sharing my work experience and working professionally.
To those whoever leave or well any misunderstanding causes, sry that I cannot help to fulfill certain things as well I
take instruction too. Work and friend, I draw a clear line, I hope u all understand.
I m a very objective base person, and well this is all about work to act as a bad guy role at times.
It been 7 months I put my time and effort in, thx to those who has been supporting me.
And glad that u guys get to know more friends out there and enhancing your social life.
Outing and event had been fun in the past, knowing u people has been my greatest asset.
TO most of u people out there, I do my part as a protector, an advisor, a forum admin performing PR/HR and even
as a brother role. All the while I do not ask for anything in return since day one, but I feel I m capable of making
it better, being proud in a way but even more proud to know that u guys know more people out there.
I have always been very truthful in dealing with things, and now I guess I do not like it the way it is.
I may be able to draw a clear line, but I m not able to go along with my feeling.
I don't really like back stabbing, performing small action and cannot stand working with people who're not being professional,
and last I cannot stand is betraying my trust and feeling for certain people.
Anyway I just don't like playing games.
Maybe it’s all in the mind, miscommunication and well working ethics.

Well been thinking hard, I may not get anything in return, but somehow I don't really feel good. Feeling disappointed.
Or am I just not happy to being throw aside?

But I guess what bother me most, is those trust, friendship and well my emotion.

Getting tired lost again and seems like no one really understand...

Sigh … do everything also seems to be wrong, I am feeling so negative in my life once again.

Over this, kind of effecting my relationship, having a quarrel and etc. Or well I guess it’s me who handle it in a wrong way and miscommunication again.

I am having a dilemance over this, just damm tired. Afraid of losing certain things, afraid of being abandoned, just hate it... all I ask is being simple, being truthful, having a balance in life and yet I guess me I am not achieving all this... instead it become a mess...

I am really tired, damm tired, I am just a fool to love whole heartly and making me to lost my direction. But I do it with my love and I guess to love is to show and give in at times. This is my way of loving, seeing her to be happy and well trying at my best effort to fulfill it.

What is LoVe?

2007-07-02T17:31:00.001+08:00

Never in my life, have I tried so hard to make the effort work and to get reconigsation from her.
Never in me to remain in silence to bear all the unhappiness in a relationship.
Not matter what happen, I can never be right and I m always wrong.
Not the least being considerate to me, sigh... same old problem.
She can be late while I cannot, she can do whatever she want, while me always to have her as the first priority.
Am I being taken for granted or well I am not good enough.
Whenever she is unhappy, it’s easier to get to know about it as a friend to be, but me at times will be the one for her to frustrate her anger.
Is it because I am her bf and somehow she is like this to me as in well she don’t have to hide her emotion or assuming I deserve it as being her bf to be.
I don’t really mind but well somehow or rather, I feel sad and heartbroken, the word she says can be so harsh and mean.
As a bf, I am like having no place in her, or rather a failure to cheer her up.

Is my judgement wrong?

Well she is not really that bad, but well maybe too used to having a pamper life? Being treated like a princess?
She can be very adorable, really, seeing her smile, looking into her eye, you can feel the love in her.

I do not want a gf just for physical needs.

I want a gf who is proud of having me as her bf.

Am I having a problem in me too?
Am I not being understanding or devoted enough?
Am I not treating her and be sweet enough?
Am I not putting enough love in my action for her?

I guess this is my choice that I choose, and well love is all about patience.
Maybe is a way of protecting herself from harm and hurt.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.
And well I feel that from her, at times I just wish the time will just stay there and don’t move.

Love stretches your heart and makes you big inside, that are why I am so gracious towards her and trying so hard to touch her and its all by my heart, willingly to do it for her, but I guess its human nature to complain, so writing is the best form I think. As I don’t really open myself much either.

Where love is, no room is too small.

At the end of the day, it make me worry, worry of losing her, worry she leave me for a cause or reason to be.
Worry she leave me course she choose not to face it. So allot of times I choose to remain silent, worry she get angry, she choose not to think, she will just let go. I guess I really love her too much.

Hmm currently at work, nothing much to do, well still damm free, and the stupid boss like to give work during last min when about to knock off. Thinking about her and thinking how to improve my money flow. Hopping to find more satisfaction in life and get myself occupy. Working hard together with her.

I always hold myself very high, someone who know how to present myself, someone who is smart and quick in thinking, mature but someone who is a fool in love.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." - Woody Allen,

<3 love you

Weekend Over - So warm and beautiful...love is in the air!

2007-06-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

Well back to work after a lovely weekend.
Tired but well feeling bliss.

Met her when she is back from Msia on SUnday, took a short nap over at her place then well off to my place.

Before to My place, we went to NTUC to get some dinner stuff.

A lovely evening having her around, the feeling about being in love is really so great.
Slacking at home, just the 2 of us, cooking up some light dinner, packing up her stuff and etc.
Watching TV together, having pillow talks, looking to her eye, so gently, feeling so warm, so peaceful, so blissful. I always remember our conversations, makes me smile.

So I've been really happy lately. I feel so fortunate and lucky. I can't complain!

Every each hectic work week, always looking forward for a nice weekend.

It's odd.. the feeling I get when she talks to me, about me, or even looks at me; I smile. If not outside, inside. Just knowing for a moment, I was on her mind.

I love her.

That's really the only explaination.

She's look happy. I guess i will not be the only one who sees it. I see a glow in her eyes, a smile on her face.. so truthful and it melts me. She's deserved this happiness for a long time. This love. And I hope with all of my heart it lasts.

Seeing her happy makes me feel .. lighter.

23/06/07 - A date I remember

2007-06-23T11:32:00.000+08:00

Hmm i have a nice friday and sat so far .. sO notty keke ...
Seeing her straight aFter work, then went to town for coffee .. nice moment ..then company her to VD for awhile then gO home to TMM keke.

There are no words to express the happiness i feel when having you by my side, in my hug.
I feel in my heart that our hearts have come to dwell together, as one.

Love you more today than I did yesterday, and I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today.I am forever yours as long as time allow ...

Cya ltr ..

Out of tHe BluE ...

2007-06-23T10:39:00.000+08:00

Hmm well been talking so much about her, I guess maybe I should blog something out of the blue about my surrounding life and etc. But still wana tell her I miss her.

Well thinking about my surrounding, blessed to have her, and bliss to have some nice friends around, of course not to forget my those beloved sister (Hmm I have 5 sister now keke).

Friends really allot, but really trueful one really very few, but I am happy to have those few.
The life I want is really simple, having someone that I love, a few close nice friend, stable job for now .. As the time goes along, I guess the plan will change.

I guess I never did mention about my family before, because I always think and thought I don't have it, that’s' why I devoted so much in a relationship and treasure those who really care about me and I really feel it in my heart.

But I do know something, my dad do really does allot of things for me and along the years he is changing, becoming more understanding and adaptable.
My 2 real sister, well sad to say I seldom communicate with them but in my heart I do care for them allot, I think I concern for my those god sister more then them in a way.
At times really a failure, and really feeling bad for not able to guide my youngest sister well that cause her to be in this state now, I guess I do need to play a role in it.
Well will not be seeing her for sometime, and seeing my dad dropping tears over her, seeing the those white hair on him, really making me feel so sad, really sad ... asking myself what have I been doing, being a son, being a brother, I guess I did nothing for them.
This entire lesson for the past years, really drain me allot. In a way, make me more sensible, to understand allot of things.

Things I went thru make me to realize allot of things, to treasure and cherish what we have.
Always be trueful, no matter how bad things is, all I know I wana be happy.
The person I really miss most I guess will be my Mum, 14 years just pass like that, and this 14 years what have I been doing. From a young gangster, arrogant and well being native I should say, being hot temper, then reach another stage, the money temptation. Used to own a car to now not to even mention license also gone, and from 8 credit cards to well now bankruptcy.
Well one thing still around, my flat .. lol
But well at least I guess in my whole life, I did learn something out of something everytime to make me for what I am today.
Seeing all type of people from different phrases and stages.
Admitting to one mistake is easy but to understand the mistake and make changes is the way we should do.

In life, never be too arrogant, be humble, and learn to listen. Respect is to be earn and not give. Action always talks louder. Most important be truthful - There is within each of a desire to be right, think right, and act right. When we go against that desire we put a cancer in our conscience. The cancer grows and grows by eating away at our confidence. Avoid doing anything that will cause you to ask yourself, “Will I get caught? Will they find out? Will I get away with it?”
A person is a product of his own thoughts. Believe Big and grow big. And we will grow big.
Where success is concerned, people are not measured in inches, or pounds, or college degrees, or family background; they are measured by the size of their thinking. How big do we think determines the size of our accomplishments.
Success doesn’t mean you own this own that, have car ya ..

Seriously I am not as strong as what people see me, I guess I just know how to hold myself well and present myself well at times.
I just know no matter what I went though last time till now, every time I get better in doing something, coz I guess I do not wana be defeated.
Example relationship, I always knew how to make things better, and becoming more positive as the times goes along, but well I need support too.
Make a supreme effort to put only positive thoughts in your memory bank. Don’t let negative, self-deprecatory thoughts grow into mental monsters. Simply refuse to recall unpleasant events or situations - well easy say then done I guess but at least that’s' what we told ourselves.
Support will be a greater source coming from loves one, friends and etc.

Be a comfortable person so there is no strain in being with you and letting go certain issues and burden, be trueful and we be more happier.

My life from last till now is not easy, but I always believe I am not the worst, it’s just how we deal with it and to move out of this misery.

And hopefully I am doing the right way now, well love is always my biggest weakness, and I hope it don't fail me.

Still my motto, striving a balance in everything...

Last but not least - Hmm if u r reading this, well dated today 23/06/07 (May many more months to come along, loving u and doting u wholeheartedly.)

!0 days ltr ...

2007-06-22T00:10:00.000+08:00

Sigh lots of thing happen in 10 days, being happy and being sad too .. Always told myself to stay positive .. And work hard .. but somehow or rather I already have the ans of what I m looking for.

Things happen so fast without any reason or being reasonable or well being logical too. At times I keep asking, is it being stupid to fall in love, to care and to concern for the one we love, and the ans I get, well coz I love her, I will do my part as a bf to be.

On one day, all the sudden, she just avoid again and well wana break up.
It really breaks my heart again ...

I would have never imagined I’d feel so much!I miss her and I cannot tell her nor for her just to have a talk with me.Worst of all I cannot tell myself to face it.

And whenever other feelings arise, like range, I cannot find peace and I ask myself why us, WHY THIS WAY, WHY NEVER again.
" You made that choice alone! Nobody asked me anything."

You told me before that with tears on my eyes. Now, if only I could convince my self that I was reasonable. If only I could silence the doubts that crowd my mind. If only, for one more time, I m not able to think.

I was waiting for her under her block for like 6 hours, Cold. so cold. my body and my heart shiver from the cold... wild thoughts running across my mind here and there during that day, really have the thought to end it somehow, ye stupid indeed but I’m really mentality tired somehow and after a long wait what I saw is a guy friend send her back, watching her from afar, sawing her reach her door step, switch on the light, on her com and hoping she will call but well it didn't happen.

After a few smoke, I went off home, somehow knowing she is home I m glad to see that in a way, and well tolding myself loving her can be in another method, even for me to cry alone, wishing for the best.

The next day all I knew, I m like a walking zombie, and well just wana get drunk and not think about it.
Somehow I knew that she is nearby me, and she sms me, giving me a hope of light, and she came over to find me, happy to see her and again hopping for the best.
Things end up pretty well after that, at times I just wish things to be more simple, be more truthful to ourselves and I guess by letting go certain burden and worries, it make us a more happy person. What can be more happy by having someone to love, someone by our side, a stable job coming by, working hard for the future, having nice friends around.

At times I really pei fu myself for being so optimistic at times and so positive and bearable towards her, I guess it take allot of effort and love to be to stand being criticized or scolded at a lot.

"It is very sad that it is so hard to connect with another being in a healthy, Loving way. It is very sad that so many of us have had to shut down our hearts and lock the romantic part of us away in a deep dark place within us."

Well I learn to ignore certain things but somehow I do not feel being recognizes as her bf in the public as this is how I feel. Simple little action, being loving and having fun, knowing to balance and handle things in a better manner seems to be so hard. Little action without being considerate about how I feel, online status being single and well I ask myself, why and what is the purpose of all this.

Friends get a better treatment, more benefit to gain ? Making use of others to gain something ?

Lots of question but in the end my love for her weight off everything, telling myself again time will show and action will prove myself to her one day.
I do know allot of things but choose to keep quiet, praying for her at one side, hopping the best for her and everything goes well for her, watching over her, taking care of her, making sure no one is bullying her and I guess that’s the role I can play my part for her for now .. even to stand aside and wishing the best for myself too.

The mood of me in a relationship is not how I feel about the relationship, but the unique combination of both people's feelings, reactions, beliefs, perceptions, thoughts about themselves, each other, and the circumstances coming together to form a mood.

Personally I think that honesty is always best, and I have been very honest to her. And MOST IMPORTANT IS COMMUNICATION BETWEEN 2 PERSONS.....

The purpose of a relationship is to support each other, through times of ups and downs … so in a way, I try my best to inspire myself, so that I can be a pillar to my dear love one … an inspiring passage …

This few days I have so many ideas in my mind, planning what to do for her, I wan her to be truely happy from her heart, and that’s my way of loving her using time and action to show and prove. Its not about how much I love her but how much love I put into action in loving her.

TODAY IS A GIFT

THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT PRESENT

TIME WAIT FOR NO ONE

I cherish for who she is and treasure every moment with her.
Just came back from her place, having dinner at her place, watching her doze off on my lap is the nicest thing to see her being so peaceful, having a good rest.

I wana say I m missing her now and well although just now I do hope she say something nice before I went off but well she is tired .. cumo James, keke.

Love her .. Always having her in my heart every single moment...

ps - Well not to 4get to those who stand by me .. just wana say thks, i do know everything from A to Z but well I m in love with her.

Clueless ....

2007-06-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

Well mood kind of lousy now, maybe i m tired i guess and pinning for someone ..

Feeling clueless .. wondering .. life just isn't always a fairy tale ..

You want to know what happiness is? It's waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, if not when she is lying peacefully beside you, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone's shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and involuntarily a grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.

ps - If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I would use my last breath to say, 'I love you

When you're not here something's missing; my smile .. Just always remember that even when we are apart I will be missing you .. like now lol ..

Sat Night ...

2007-06-09T21:37:00.000+08:00

I guess our character is defined by what we do, not what we say or believe.
Every choice we make helps define the kind of person we are choosing to be.
Recently i do alot of thinking again .. i guess i m really too free to be.

Right now, well slacking at home, wondering about upcoming monday job and wondering what is she doing now ... guess she is tired and so i think not gona disturd her, even though wish to hear from her.

Sense of security, i came across this acticle saying while surfing -
All animals owe their survival to the instinctual drives to flee, fight, feed, and reproduce (sometimes called the "Four F’s"). These primal drives have great impact on our lives. Humanity’s instinct to flee from danger has become today a search for security. We have a desire to feel safe at home, in the workplace, and in society. We want to know we are secure now and will continue to be in the future. Yet, such a search is an impossible dream. After all, the nature of life is change and uncertainty. So, those seeking stability are doomed to be frustrated. An awareness of the uncertainty of life leads to immobilization. We grow immobilized by fear. We become more frightened to live than to die. The American Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz describes the feelings many of us experience: "Men are afraid to rock the boat in which they hope to drift safely through life's currents, when, actually, the boat is stuck on a sandbar. They would be better off to rock the boat and try to shake it loose, or, better still, jump in the water and swim for the shore."

Not knowing how to cope with this misguided quest for security leads to a dull pervasive pain. It robs us of happiness. Sometimes we seek to numb the pain with addictions such as drinking, overeating, gambling, casual sex, taking drugs, or spending endless hours before the TV. Though these addictions offer temporary relief from the gnawing pain of uncertainty, they cause more chaos, more pain, and less happiness in our lives. Because of this, it is important to understand the true nature of security.

What is true security? It is not piles of money or guaranteed employment, but the inner strength to face, cope with, and adapt to any challenge that arises. True security is the understanding that life is insecure and the willingness to deal with whatever happens. Security depends less on how much we have and more on how much we can do without. Anthony Robbins describes it this way, "Most people never feel secure because they are always worried that they will lose their job, lose the money they already have, lose their spouse, lose their health, and so on. The only true security in life comes from knowing that every single day you are improving yourself in some way, that you are increasing the caliber of who you are and that you are valuable to your company, your friends, and towards your love one."

How do we develop a sense of security? Begin by accepting the nature of life, which is constant change and uncertainty. Next, don’t take shelter, but rejoice in the bombardment of chaos. Life is like white water rafting, chaotic, but exhilarating! It is exactly as Winston Churchill said: "Without a measureless and perpetual uncertainty, the drama of human life would be destroyed." The secret, then, is not to seek security, but to seek growth, adventure, and joy. We need insecurity to spur us on to bigger and better things. And we have no reason to complain, for as Helen Keller said, "God himself is not secure, having given man dominion over his work."

Since we cannot stabilize the world, it is necessary to stabilize ourselves. That’s the only way to achieve security. We do this by developing the right habits.

As security is equated with adaptability to change, it makes much sense to constantly stretch ourselves. We need to step out of our comfort zone and start doing all of those things we would like to do, but don’t because they make us uncomfortable. We need to stand up, face our fears, and laugh at them. Ha! Ha! Ha! Fear and security are incompatible, and the time to cultivate courage is now, before we need it.

When we stop viewing uncertainty as a threat and start recognizing it for the opportunity it is, everything changes. For as Brian Tracy wrote, "The more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more you seek opportunity, the more likely it is that you will achieve the security that you desire." That is the paradox to remember and apply to our lives.

The followers of the ancient Tao Te Ching understand the nature of the world. By bending like the reed in the weed, they adapt to its changes, experiencing true security and serenity. They heed the words of Lao Tzu:

"Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's approval
and you will be their prisoner.
Do your work, then step back.
That is the only path to serenity."
True security is based on the ability to cope with turmoil. But how do we gain that ability? By looking within. We can rely on our own inner strength. Within us dwells a Divine Spark. We can turn to It for comfort and share in Its Wisdom and Power. Although It cannot eliminate the uncertainty of life, It can bestow on us the confidence and faith to carry on.

I like the above saying .. interesting ..

Let’s not forget about the insecurities of others. For example, Princess of Wales Diana said, "I don't want expensive gifts; I don't want to be bought. I have everything I want. I just want someone to be there for me, to make me feel safe and secure." There are many people in your life that want to feel safe and secure, too. Your spouse, children, friends, coworkers, and strangers you meet on the street. Remember, no one you meet has a sense of security so strong that it cannot be improved by a few words from you. Be encouraging, accepting, understanding, and compassionate. Be a source of strength for others. Doesn’t the world grow more secure as we make others feel more so?

Let’s also use the winds of change that swirl around us as reminders to savor the present moment. For how do we know if we’ll be alive tomorrow? Because life is uncertain, the time to enjoy it, and the time to help others feel secure is NOW.

Hmm isn't the above saying make life sound more meaningful and well to handle things in a correct approach and manner.

For Her -
Well thankful for every little thing she does for me, like her strengths as well as her weaknesses, share her hopes and wish for the best for her, never intend to hurt her, be a shoulder to lean for her and cry on.
Hold her hand when things get rough, help her achieve and accomplish all her dreams, open up my heart to her, to experience new beginnings... <3

Juz Feel Like Writing ..

2007-06-06T22:01:00.000+08:00

Came across something call what Blingee.com, well something that make your picture more interesting .. since i m free well juz do something out of my dear picture.

Nowaday things really getting more interesting, era changing.
Even people do change along with the enviroment too.

Right now feeling kind of patheic coz well i m broke dupz .. hate this feeling.
Wondering about my next job and wondering about the future.
Thinking about life and her .. don't know why i am always a thinker .. lol

Success is all about growing oneself, learning thru experince and strive for it.
USING EVERY ENCOUNTER AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EVALUATE, COACH AND BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE..True ? Quite true i guess ..

To me love is always number one in my heart, don't know why .. actually i am not really as strong as i seems to be. Very emotion too... always find myself as a leader .. do know where my direction is but somehow lacking of something...
THinking back about my life for the past 10 years, what have i gain .. experince is the most previous i guess. And whawt have i lost, well alot ... status, youth, car, money and etc .. lol.

Well guess what i am reading, hmm i m reading How To Be a Good BF, keke ..
Do encounter some interesting point lol.
But well if were to ask me what it takes to be one, i guess i score 80 out of 100 already lol, most of the point i do understand.
All it takes is a little bit of practice and determination to do it. Willingness is the key for any man to learn how to be a good boyfriend ya.

Being true to oneself is an important part of the learning process in any aspect of life.

Nthing much for today, another day of slacking at home, letting the mind wonder, looking forward for alot of things and of coz wondering abt Her.

Well faster faster start work ... faster end month, faster get pay .. and pamper her and me .. keke .. at least i feel more secure with money around .. lol and also much more things i can do too .. ^_^

Idling ..Wondering ..After a Nap

2007-06-05T19:31:00.000+08:00

Well juz feel like writing, and been asking myself what it takes to be this or to do this.

I have never known what it takes. What does it take to be a good man? What does it take to be a good mate? Brother? Son? Student? Friend? I have NEVER known what it takes, but I am beginning to find out what it doesn't take... all i know is to be trueful to everything, to be for what i am and to love someone like her wholeheartly.
Just be sincere, honest, and trustworthy in all circumstances.

To be a good man, you don't have to be perfect. Actually, people would probably look at you like some alien if you were flawless. Mess up every once-in-a-while and say the wrong thing, because if you don't you are going to make everyone else look bad i guess. You don't have to always be right. People like it when you are wrong every now and then. It makes you look human and makes them feel a little better. Besides, if you work to make sure that you are never wrong, then you will just drive yourself insane... true ?

To be a good man, i think i don't have to always be happy, however. Even us strong men have to have our down days and on those days its nice to have someone there to listen to us. If it was a hard day at work, then get over it and go back tomorrow. If i guess i m broke and can't find out how to pay my bills, then find a way even if it means asking for help. If I love her and she simply doesn't reciprocate those feelings, then i guess love her anyways and try to move on .. well being positive.

I may not know what all it takes to be a good man, but I do know that I am trying to be one. I am trying to be a good man, mate, brother, son, and friend, and for right now that is going to have to do... trying to love her like no one does .. treasure and cherish for what i have around.

Hmm after a nap, it do make me feel better to think positive .. so well nothing is perfect, it only come with the intention to be one or well trying to fullfill one... to be happy, to be satisfy and to tackle what it come along.
Perfect to me i guess is happiness, and happiness is within our own hand to find.
Well work hard for what i m want, to make a better life for me, future and my partner.

Miss U my dear .. <3

Well Today is Tuesday 05/06/07 .. Current Mood - Happy Yet feeling disheartening ...

2007-06-05T09:44:00.000+08:00

Time to update ya.

Well another lovely weekend... just slacking at home, doing some cooking... Enjoying the weekend with her...

Yesterday well happy to receive the news that I found a job, at least the dark day seems to be over and something to look forward to.

Went to fetch her from work, happy to see her and went for dinner at tampines mall.
Everything seems fine till don't no y she feel so pek chey and well angry I guess but don't know for what reason, lol.

Again feeling of disappointment and feeling disheartening ... Some how don't really feel my existent around. I guess maybe she is tired ba .. Well try to understand but deep in my heart, don't really feel good, wondering ...

Reach her home .. Well try to coax her, as usual, sitting in front of her com.
Then just let her be and let her cool down .. till a not so nice voice came into me, telling Me she is going out with her friend on Wednesday, this part is really getting on to me .. Y can't things be communicating in a nicer manner, never in my thought not to let her out with her friend or well to control her .. I wonder me this boyfriend in her heart really stands at where at times .. She going movie with her friend then I just say in a joking manner, all the while I wana see a movie and she never accompany me .. Then she says different lol .. Say she hate to tell someone where she is going and etc .. haiz human behavior is really weird at times.
For the whole night, I m like a scolding target board.

Till bedtime, well try to talk to her again. Deep in me, I really feel like tearing, feeling so disappointed. Then the topic abt my past relationship in WG, heh someone saying I am like one of my friends, flirting around till I met her ..

People who knew me, since when I did flirt around or should I say, when u don't know anything much of the inside story, pls do not comment. As For kate, I guess I don't deny I did try but things don't work out, she really can be a good friend but well not a good gf... and I did vex over her before and when I m with her, she is all i have and .. then came in Reen, well I guess she is another different case, she treat me too good during the time when I was down, and I guess that is not really love, did try too but I guess the feeling is not that deep either but instead out of gratitude and feeling that I owe her something... the feeling fade as the time goes along and is more like a companion. This 2 ger in my life, well all I can say I did try to love them but it just doesn’t work out ..and not right.. and both parties do agree on it. In what way and what things do I do to say I flirt around anyway ... base on my action and what did I do .. since when does u really see me with a gal so close together other then now... not even with them both ..

I guess I should feel glad that at least the someone is saying something nice or should I feel in another way at least she feel jealous and showing she do care.

I don't really bother by all this, but more concern towards her, or should I say I m worry and scare of losing her. For someone like her, I guess a little spark of bad things will make the whole story worst.

Time passes by so swiftly, we forget what gets us by, and We are not individuals
Though we think we live this way and miss out the things we need to treasure around us. Gossips are part of life to gain certain trust and are people whom they feel jealous of and not having it... i guess i m too high profile ..

Well I do know something in her, again I can feel it but well time and trust is still the factor for me to gain it in her.

Well one thing I guess, she is bad at analyze thing and well mind don't really change that fast either. Stubborn still and not being flexible, to understand certain things... None of us like to be controlled I guess but there is a different to show mutual respect as I do care compare to being control in a way of reporting and restricting.

Way of action and approach do reflect wat types of person are we for people who do care and really understand. I want the best for her and hope one day she will understand.. again way of communication, allot people do not aware the importance in it. I guess it takes letting my heart be broken by her and Learning to live with it, using my previous heart to show her.

To fall in love so deeply again it takes incredible trust, and this is something missing in her. "The only way I'll ever deserve her is to try as hard as I can everyday to stretch myself so far beyond myself I'll become more than I ever dreamed I could be."

We've all had our moments when our behavior has been less than considerate. Next time you feel the urge to be rude, inconsiderate or to jump to conclusions, stop yourself. Take a deep breath and ask, "What would be a more loving response to this situation?" That doesn't mean that you allow others to walk all over you. You can speak the truth to people in a very matter of fact way, without being rude. Be considerate of others feelings and be willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Well Ice berg is really not that easy to melt anyway, but ice berg does cool down at times and thx for trying more ..

Enjoy life no matter how difficult it may have been or how challenging I may perceive it to be, and to reach my objective, to have a balance.. Well at least a new upcoming job is something I look forward to fulfill my balance.

My Dear .. well there u gO ..

2007-05-31T22:58:00.000+08:00

In My relationship life.. Well never met a ger like her that gives me so many headaches... but still I loVe Her .. y ?

She does have her good side, her adorable side, her notty side .. and well indenpendant, stubborn, attidude and well always wana Win .. and No matter how much she complain, I guess she do have a strong will, hard when say but actually quite soft in heart, just due to well certain shadow in her life .. filial to parents too ..

BUt well I guess Some of her character in her is already like mould into her .. I guess it take some time for her to understand ...

WeLL more for her to see and to understand the way of life I guess and also to improve on way of communication and way of approach .. but well I juz always give in to her .. hopefully one day she will understand my kind intention and oF coz due to I lOve her.

Although just been together with not long but as the times goes, getting to understand her more, my whole perspective on her changed. She doesn't deserve all this crap for her life but she is able to put up with it anyway using her own way of style. (Well NOt really the right approach at times I would say)....she has a great voice....and she is the biggest sweetheart ever when Well she is not that stress and negative .. She Is So notty and cute that u cannot imagine keke.

No matter what she does, she is always EXTREMLY pretty to Me ..
I Have learn to see her expression, her action and etc, She Can be real fierce and attidude, never in my life, a GF like her, Not say previous Gf is 100% good but well i guess i never being so tolerant and so understanding, and well to learn to Appreciate her more and keep taking things positive .. although I wish one day she do improve and I guess I do need my most trueful heart to melt her ..

There is no explanation as to why we love certain people but look at some Quote and at times it do give us a better reason.

The best and most beautiful things in the world can't be seen, not touched... but are felt in the heart.

When u love someone, I guess i just don't love her for her cute smile.. i just don't love her for the way she holds me nor the way she kiss me .. i just don't love her for how she make me happy. Or how she speaks my name. its not about how she make love to me . Loving her just for who she is..Its what she does good or bad i just take her as she is.. My heart did not beat for her for a reason.it just loved her ..Like that,,, Cuz its not a just one reason nor three or four its just many tiny things making who she is..just love her for who she is....I say to u I love u for better or worse I love u for what u do and what u say being bad or good is nothing as long that I am with u.. heh .. but well nothing is perfect, nothing is so great at times, as long as we r clear to what we r doing, loving someone wholeheartly, having a objectives, working hard together to make things happen ...

<3 Love U ..

JoBs .. hmm

2007-05-31T15:59:00.000+08:00

I have a good feeling coming along i guess ..

Well m glad she do have a nice job to keep her occupy for now ..

LoVe U ..

lOst In tHe MiDdle oF nO wHere

2007-05-31T15:16:00.000+08:00

At times, certain things seem so simple but yet it become so complicated, I care just as much for the her welfare and fulfillment as I do for my own. Story seems to be different every single day, plot changing, scenario changing, everything just change within a second..

Does a person who tends to hate their life so much, blaming and living in the shadow of the past make their life so miserable ? Or well excuses of not facing it .. Having a shoulder to cry on when our burdens are too heavy to bear alone is not really that hard .. But how many person deep in their heart do know to treasure and cherish, moving on with clear objectives and do know what they want in life together with the right one .. Fate, happiness is within our own hand to achieve .. And what is real happiness .. Something that I laugh and smile from my heart, and money is sure not the main factor but still it is a side factor... even Rome don't built in 7 days either lol ...

Human r always self contradicting I guess ...

Well who to blame .. the environment, the bastard and etc lol ...spoilt market ya ..
Me too being living in the shadow that’s y I been trying to break free and never to live in that shadow and let it control me.

The quality of the time spent with each other is as important as the quantity I guess, Understand that people can be great actors. We all tend to play games with one another, to appear to be what we are not... heh tiring lol ..

The day before yesterday we were still having coffee ..chatting around .. and well yesterday it just changes again lol .. thought we already have a plan for today to go watch movie .. till now I keep hoping she will call or sms lol .. Is Communication really that hard ? I never meant to control, but well out of mutual respect and concern is my point ...

Love do have interesting facts, it has an organizing and a constructive effect on your personality. It brings out the best in you. There is an intense and satisfying feeling of greater self-realization and expression, as well as a feeling of having one's own personality reinforced and strengthened and enriched. Love gives you new energy and ambition, and more interest in life. It is creative, brings an eagerness to grow, to improve, to work for worthy purposes and ideals. Love is associated with feelings of self-confidence, trust and security. Love lifted you to new levels of maturity and responsible action. When you love a person you make an effort to be more deserving of the beloved. You want your beloved to be proud of you, so you try harder. Life has more purpose. You make plans and save for the future. Life takes on new meaning, more sparkle... well sound abit meaningless for now lol.

Tragedy may have robbed me of my beloved before. In spite of the pain of loss, I still likely to be a better person for having had love. I can better understand myself and be better prepared for finding success in my future relationships. Be more mature and grew through love experience, and that growth will not all wither away. Whatever happened, love does have an organizing and constructive effect on one personality... well stay positive .. but haiz I guess time will always be the best judge around... Time is the infatuated person's best friend. It is both the great revealer and the great healer.

Our minds can talk about love, but they can't actually experience love. Love can only be experienced through feeling, but well y people don't treasure the feeling .. dupz.

Haiz .. I just realize my heart is not with me now .. somewhere with someone .. :(

Hmm well wat r we doing now ?

2007-05-26T18:27:00.001+08:00

Hmm in my own little hut, she is cooking and i m watching keke ... went to bought some food, bacon, ham, hot dogs, soup and lots of other things but most important is the effort and the heart ... hee ..

HOw nice right .. it be even nicer if i have a job, having a balance in everything, standing by her, friends, family and etc .. well thats my goal .. towards a healthy relationship, a balance in every aspect of life... and of coz with a career to fulfill all this.

Hmm sure continue ltr

Sunshine After Rain ...

2007-05-26T15:28:00.000+08:00

At times i wonder is it due to my thick skin, worry to make a mistake, or my belief to love someone means not to give up so easy, as nothing is perfect .. and i really don't wish something unmeaning less to spotlit it. Coz i guess i believe in her for all the things she told me ... I m glad and i guess next time i should observe more of my action till one day she will fully fall in love with me i guess ..

SOmeone Say wana go market to buy things to cook for me keke but well she is still sleeping so soundly now and i guess she do need the rest, can't bear to wake her up too... keke

Watching by her sleeping, her adorable face, cheeky smile really fill up my heart with happiness ... hugging her closely bring a kind of warm feeling and looking into her eyes, saying i will never let u go.

I pray for her, wish for her nothing but happiness, wishing her for all the best companion in her life to be. And i promise her whatever i have say before.

Sitting by the bed, watching tv, hugging her, well what would i still be asking for .. so loving, so happy ... having small talks heart to heart ... an undesirable feeling in me, loving her is my greatest, having her is a blessing, to understand her is an effort .. to watch by her is my job .. all i wana do is to love her wholeheartedly, working hard for my future together with her.

I Love u my dear ... well waiting for u to wake up now keke :P

24/05/07 @ MOS Hugo Event

2007-05-25T14:43:00.000+08:00

Yesterday seems so well and yet something happen today to cause a misunderstanding, and given her character and the shadow she went through before gona make this thing to become so so much worst.

And it really break my heart, or should I say I m not doing a good job.
Today for nothing, being unreasonable and well not understanding for the thing I do for her, even not much, but every action, my thoughts is always to think for her, worry for her.

Till today, I been staying very positive and with determination to strike harder for a better future, but feeling so tired and heartbreak when she don't even understand it and wanted to break up with me.

Firstly, a misunderstanding that never happen for what I know, and I don't even know who the ger is, even I knew, I guess I never do anything really bad before in my whole life till now, so I dare to say. But a misunderstanding, and without clarifying and understanding tend to make things worst.

It really spoilt my whole day but well still trying to finish up all my job and hide like nothing happen. Till I start drinking, I become Emo, and in my heart, so much I wana see her, thoughts running wild in me, and where is she when I needed her most. Yes I do understand her attitude and way of approach but well is that the right thing to sort out problem. But well I never blame her at all, coz well I know somehow she is not facing it and afraid to face it but I just can't help thinking rubbish and be so bloody negative at the moment, really drink drank drunk.

I always believe in her cos I see the good side of her before, her side of being most trueful, adorable, having a relax and clam mind. But I do know she is afraid and I guess I choose this way and I have to accept it.

I send her tons of sms and not even one is being responded back, then gets to know some guy send her back, and well how would I think this time .. sigh ...

Well a horrible night, first time in my life to be so drunk and vomit don't how many times in there ... heart crack .. but still pinning for her.

Lost really lost ... I did told myself to think sensible, as I m clear to what I m doing to my heart, but I guess I fall again, always my weakness.
I think at this time, nothing worry more other then her, really missing her.

And wondering what should I do, is letting go really an option or a choice for her to be more happy ... is the promises we make are all so fake and invaluable ? Sigh ..

23/5/07 Happy One Month ..

2007-05-25T14:36:00.000+08:00

Hmm well even though its only 1 month but well its like so long, wishing along and hope for more to come.

Give her a surprise, send her a bouquet of flower. So many plans in my mind but well kind of limited time and cash flow for now lol. But well all the effort sincerly come wholeheartly, and hope she like it.

First time hearing her saying sorry so sweetly, again make me to be more understanding and broad minded. I guess i still need more time to grasp her action and understand it... lol. Bed time story being good as usual, keke.

I juz wana her to know, i love her for what she is but i guess certain things need some changes to improve and i guess not even in r/s but how we gona handle things and to gain more respect.

Loving her is my choice, and to be angry is coz i care, i choose to walk this path and i told myself time will be the best judge.

Hope u do enjoy the day. maucks.

My Current Mood ...

2007-05-21T00:25:00.001+08:00

Well stress ..really very stress .. so many things i wana do for her but well limited .. feeling damm vex .. and just having a feeling to drop down ...

I juz hope to have some motivation, at times i feel it and have it, but well it come falling down again

Well just hope i get occupy soon and well be my positive me back soon ...

Even right now .. hoping for a little comfort.
I guess even loser get a consolation prize at times ... even right now, i just hope to have a little nice talk, wana see her get more rest, but i guess some other stuff seems more important to her ... so much things i do hope she understand how i feel, and seriously speaking i don't dare to ask alot .. but i guess at times its my fault for being too demanding ? or well craving for more ? I guess i m lacking some self confident now ..

Well i do hope 1 day i will prove my worth in terms of love and work ...

Miss u allot my dear ...

Our WeekEnd ...

2007-05-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

Things have been getting along quite well, love those pillow talks on the 2 nights, and I can feel that she is improving and showing .. The only time we really feel no borders around us ... being more understanding and able to communicate.

I do love her honestly from my heart, and being very understanding, hoping to prove my worth and melt her one day.

Seeing her so tired and well not getting enough rest tend to tear my heart, wana her to have more rest but well knowing her pattern too well, I guess I choose to keep quiet at times.

She was preparing for her race queen contest, and was glad able to do my part as a bf for her, and of coz supporting her.

And well today, Sunday (20/05/07), her day for the contest and presentation, and well me also make my way down just for her, partially also to talk business.
BUt then it reminds me of something of what she told me .. Not to disclose her as attach, me as her bf, at first, I don't really tend to link up with this or well never even think of it, to me work is work .. But then she mentions it, make me well kind of wander around my thoughts .. Even though I do understand why but the thing is .. she mention it and make it too particular about it, making me feel kind of demoralize ... maybe again if she put it in a nicer manner, I guess it be better, but well I told myself not to think about it and of course to stay by her and hopefully one day she understand my intention.

Then well after finish talking business, I was walking around the area, hopping to find more other sources in term of work, but then well it get boring but well happy to see her around when she is on stage, feeling proud for her and when the ans is being ask, its like well I do know what she gona say, make it a very sweet feeling.

After that I really do get bored, feeling neglected but well try to be understanding but the worst part is I feel I don't really feel comfortable or feel my existent there is needed, and so I choose to leave, as not to pressure her ba .. but how I wish and hope she will say something nice to me, and I will feel more comfortable, well the point is how busy can someone be, its about the thoughts and etc ... I dun feel the need in her.

So I reach office and was emo for like a few hours, listening to sad song, really feeling damm demoralize and stress and very very the mentality tired, listening to my profile song bring out a certain sadness, feeling the loneliness and etc .. But then again I told myself I have to be positive and that’s me, I should not let little things to pull me down.

Hopping she do call or sms, but the sms well was kind of bad from her, saying I m not understanding and I guess I do it the wrong way again, again all about the heart and etc.
And since the sms, really make me emo all way long, taking a walk by myself around orchard while they r doing the ticketing, no mood to talk to anyone, mind just all about her, hoping to coax her.

I was hoping she replies my sms and hoping will meet her later, worry she is hungry, wondering what she is doing.

At the end of the day, well having some talk with my friend they all, make me abit better but still feeling bad deep down, putting down my phone like 3 times and well I guess I really need to try a little harder to show my heart to her .. Well last but not least, for her I be patient I know deep down inside her, in a way she is rejecting me but she do have her nice side to me too :)

I love u my dear ...

SOme of the picture of my dear from her race queen contest :) .. isn't she look so nice and pretty, plus a little of slutty look ? keke

Well alot things wana update for the past few week, well i will update soon :)

My 1st Posting For You

2007-05-17T08:21:00.000+08:00

The time now is 06.25am, I guess my dear now shd be awake, right now just wana have a page delicate to her.

I get to know her somewhere around March 07, I remember when the time I know her, her msn introduction is always kind of down, negative comment, dun really know her well during that time, but well just do my part to cheer her up ..

And so on the 29th Mar 07, I have an event there at MOS and that was the first time I met up with her but well due to my busy schedule, don’t really have the time to tok to her.

On the 20th April 07, well first date I would say, Watching movie 200 pounds beauty -

200 Pounds Beauty (미녀는 괴로워) is a 2006 South Korean comedy. The story tells the tale about a large girl that undergoes an extreme makeover to become a pop singer.

And having coffee at starbucks going along with some chit chatting of course, and well I guess at that time I m really talkative hee, then head down to boat quay for some pub session, and at the pub well together with some other friends too and I bought a few DVD.

Well then on that day I become a lao gorilla, lol a nick by her to me saying I m hairy, lol.

<----- In wat way do i look like Gorilla Btw dupz ...

And after this date, I guess we do develop a neutral feeling for each other, and I guess I m not too sure so still acting blur till she keep saying me benben keke.

On the 21st April 07, well I m heading down to Momo to met some of my friends there and knowing her she might be there, making me more wana go down after a long chat over msn, finally get to know she confirm going down :), saying to go down and see her gorilla have huai dan or not keke.

It was a fun night there together with her, running here and there, and of coz kana caught being jealous keke ... feeling is sweet, first time holding her hand, getting nearer to her, well happy together with her …

As the time goes, I get to know her better, knowing some of her problem, well so was thinking to guide her along and show her the way, like well to find a job and etc ... advising her what to do ... getting closer too but well I choose the date 23rd April 07 to be our official day being together.

The first time she addresses me as dear I guess .. also on this day, and well another new nick call Da Wu Gui haha .. also not to forget her nick is call Monkey keke .. and on this day she came over my place to look for me ...

HMm that will be the summary for now of the process how I get to know her till date today 17 May 07, well wana add in more detail and picture but I guess my brain now is malfunction, need to sleep ya, so for now, I just wana her to know I love her, from the bottom of my heart, accepting her and showing my heart to her, to assure my feeling and my love for her.

Oh ya just call her at 7 am but I guess as usual keke never hear bleah ..