Depress ..LoSt ZZzzz

Wish to write so here I am. Somehow or rather, deep in me, my heart is tearing, not happy, lost, don’t what the hell I m doing.
Must be love again, it is kind of draining me off, yet I cannot let go.

I been reflecting this 2 day, what causes the thing to be in this way.
What I want in my life to be ?

Been hoping that things will change, but I just lost on don’t what to do.
At times the ability to analyze things and to think can really be bad, cause it bring me all over the world to search for the big logic reason behind it.

In relationship, I want something which make me feel love, very love .. and to be thoughtful, considerate, sweet and be a lovely couple. Be proud of having each other, be there for each other. But till now I m so lost that I hate to speak up, every single things I do nor I speak tend to be understandable. Every single action turn me off.

I always say things r simple, issit me who make it so complicated to be ?
Or am I demanding too much to suit what I want, but the more I think, the more I find it unreasonable at times. The path to walk down is already not easy, y can’t we understand this and to make things for the better to be. If 2 person to be together, is to be truthful then y can’t put down certain pride to think and to understand, instead of letting certain rashness onto our head.

I can always be flexible, to give in and never meant to calculate each and single things to be. All I wan is to understand and to prevent it from happen again.

What does the great wise man say, to learn from the bad and improve, taking in negative as a positive feedback. If do treasure, I guess we will always give in and to make things work.

Damm it at times I really blame myself for doing so many reading to understand how to be a better person or how to understand a person more to be, or even to read positive thingy till at the end of the day, I just wish everyone to have a trueful heart to see things and do things, or m I damm native to be.

Sigh, depression mode again till so lost and feeling less, just very lost till I am giving up everything, no mood to do anything even thought I know my heart is feeling damm sad in it, just wish to cry or just let go. For r/s is really making me crazy, and the feeling of emptiness once again is there, feeling of losing something is there.

I always do thing with my heart and asking for a little appreciation and yet at the end of the day being taken for granted, or well for not treasuring it.

Where is the balance of oneself to be ?
Is it too much to ask for a r/s to be understanding, sharing, considerate, thoughtfulness , be a lovely couple, to be proud of having and to have a balance, to able to communicate.
Everything around me since to be so disappointing for now, maybe if I m lesser sensitive, less emotion to be I guess I be better of .. or well be a bad guy .. trying but to be honest hard to be lol .. just tired of my damm life, have to think for this and that, have to plan money and etc .. and yet who understand or even the life I went though .. ye grumbling Zzz