Sigh Zzzz

Okie i fire the company i been working at ...lol or rather the other way round ..
And now really make me think .. y work so hard .. juz go work 9 am, on the dock 6 am head home ..juz follow the book ...it save your ass more but become so meaningless ..

Sigh .. i would not even feel so down if i have not done anything for the company .. all my effort and my initiative .. sigh .. all the implementation, changes which i made for the company .. so much for all those management to make it better and my objective for the company .... and this is what i get .. bonus also gone ..

Duno what i writing ..just feel like bitching .. damm feeling sucks .... and till only yest 5.30pm then told me, we no longer need your service ... i don't even need to handover .. great ..just want me to leave and ask people to watch at me to pack ..wtf ..

My colleague ask me to fight for it ..but i guess whats the point ..

All i want to say, well at least i had the chance to be working with them at least :) thanks ..

4get it .. bitch another time .. nb #$@#%%$#%^%%&^&

Current Affairs

I've just been so busy lately. I have been working and working which takes up most of my free time. I've been going out to sea, and it has really got me thinking about things. So many things!! Deep stuff that you have to force your mind to get in there and reach for the nitty gritty details. I am enjoying the sea, that's for sure.

Had not been chilling, clubbing, drinking lately ... just work then home .. getting no life again, must spice up soon, its really getting boring for James, lol.

"TO DWELL IN THE PAST, LEADS A SAVAGE HEART, BUT TO STAY IN THE NOW, BREADS A FRESH NEW START. FOR THE FUTURE WE HOLD, WE CANNOT TELL, FOR THAT CHANCE WE TAKE, READS A WHOLE NEW TALE"

Does loving myself unconditionally mean I have to love everything I've ever done?
This question came across my mind, and i ask myself, to be honest, i never did love myself more then my the other partner and other stuff.

I've done things of which I have been ashamed. However, when we love ourselves unconditionally we don't dwell on these past events. We don't make them the focus of how we see ourselves. When we can we correct them. We call them mistakes and learn from them so that we don't do them again, but eventually i learn the mistake but i still blame this and that somehow deep in me, ye moving on but well need allot of pushing factor to be.

Often, though, it's not that clear. Many of us are good at presenting a positive personal(mask) to the world. Inside, though, we may be riddled with doubts about ourselves. We may be nervous about how our remarks or appearance are received. We may meet someone to whom we're attracted and silently affirm that (s)he would never, NEVER be interested in us. This way we avoid the fear of rejection by not taking a risk.

Well, but still i guess as long as we're being faithful to what we do and being truthful to ourselves and others, don't cheat to get something, i guess we already answer to ourselves.. someday i guess even by cheating ourselves, we will get what we want .. as long as we don't give up ..

Well now is lunchy time .. just lazing around in office, reading blog, writing blog, at times when i read that GAY blog, it really speak what i want to say, i think next time i should just cut and paste .. and keep sending me emo song .. faint faint.

Hmm .. don't dwell on to the past,it's never good to dwell on the past.
At times all this stupid stuff are the reasons I don't want to get out of bed anymore, but i still i find reason to drag myself out then, just because i want something that i laugh and smile from the bottom of my heart.

Recently i think i did something bad in the eyes of what they think and feel, hope i never break anyone hearts, but well I say, its not as what they think and thought, that is all enough to be say.

Time to eat ..

Happy birthday to me :)

Well never really celebrate but the least was hopping for something but i guess i just have me and myself then ...

Well just another day .. yesterday at work, well my colleagues bought a small cake for me, sweet enough, thanks for the thoughts ...

Thanks to those for your wishes too ...

Okie ..was reading my Gay blog .. okie .. well thanks bro ..
THis is what he write on his blog .. lol

Saturday, August 23, 2008
Happy B-Day Gay
Happy B-day Gay, may all your wish come true. Haha. Who the gay buddy that i been mentioning?? He's a close buddy of mine, James. We not really gay. We wish... haha but we dun like sword fighting. Thanks for accompany me for the past few mths, really appreciated that. Haha, u been asking me to write about you.... Guess i should, since you not been making me emo enough to blog.. haha

Where should i start???... hmmmmmmmmm....

I know tis gay buddy of mine from Shattered Galaxy(a online game)... At the time, both of us are leader of 2 diff regiment, our path crossed when both of us are busy wif work and we decide to merged the 2 regiments and throw the shit work to each other.. haha.

James, a cheerful and entertaining gay who know how to entertain and joke abt anything in the world even abt him been gay... haha. A night out wif him wont b boring. He really a caring person, at times i wish i'm gay and fall in love wif him.. haha. For friends and his god-sisters, he can really go the extra miles to protect and give his very best. But i guess he had gone through alot and long for a good relation and a family of his own. But at times, he dun really know how to let go and move on wif his life and wish that things could change for the best.

Gay, learn to let go and move on wif our life. I believe 1 day, we will find the love we want and have a family we call our own.... May all your wish come true and love me deep deep... haha

p/s. abit high and rushing for mj.. will updated it further when i more sober.. haha...

p/p/s. I Love You.... Happy B-day and May All Your Dream Come True.... Haha

Damm gay but i must clarify ..we're not .. haha ..

SOmehow someone had really let me down, i told myself that will be the last time .. be it true or be it i don't understand .. suan le ba .. a selfish person will never spare a thoughts for others ... i guess i did my part .. i hate promises ..i hate even more lies .. if you can't do it, don't say it ... but still you be a part of me that bring me to today ... i m not god nor i m so wei da .. all i want is someone stable, someone who knew what she want and to make a rs work out to walk a longer path .. understand what it means to be happy, had a balance in life and etc ..

Well ..
Time for housework ..

TGIF

Hmm well

M trying to act bz at work, so i m here ... ^_^

当狗爱上猫 <---- interesting, does it ever happen ?

To go against the impossible and make it possible, to cherish the time spent together rather then to just let it go, and to suffer alone, leaving your love one behind, when your love one just want to spent the rest of the time meaningfully, having a beautiful memories.....

well recently i being losing all motivation, just feel like sleeping everyday like nobody cares ...



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The above picture like nice, took it when i was omw back to jetty ..
Looking at the sea, really make oneself feel clam.

Wondering and wondering ....

Aweful day today ...

Somehow dun really feel good today .. maybe its really getting near ..
or well along come with some disappointment that make my mood bad .....

Past few day, been busy running around between office and vessel ..
But i been enjoying going on board, enjoy the sea and scenery out there.

sigh .. too many disappointment lately .. Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy -- the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation... Zzzz

having a headache now, not even the mood to write .. other time then ..

Boring Weekend

Okie what i did last week ..
Work and more work ....

Last Thursday, something new to add on to my job experience, i went on board our company vessel call Bro Venture ..interesting ..took a small boat from west coast jetty, then half an hour boat ride to the main ship ...Nice sea breeze, been awhile .. let me wonder some thoughts ...

Well on board the vessel is indeed interesting, went to the main deck where the captain handle the ship ..well i was there to check on the system anyway .. looking forward to board another vessel soon :)

Nothing interesting recently, just focusing on work then home .. well i realize the nearer it get to my birthday, the more unhappy i feel. At times i wish to have people there to celebrate for me or even someone i love to be there .. but after so many years .. the feeling just get numb.

I guess, We all want, above all, to be heard - but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood - heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant.

But still being the positive me, will still continue to move on, that is life.

I m missing something .. after so long .. "Have i told u lately that i want to hear you ?"
I being trying to move on but all is just lust to me or like i say before just being lead on .. or well again disappointment when i put in effort.

Once awhile i still sms her, but all i get is disappointment or the least not even being as a friend to be, but i just wish her to know she still in me, or the least i wish to know how had she been doing.

Some people hold truth to the myth that there is only ONE love for you out there. This could not be farther from the truth. Humans have the ability to deeply love any person they choose to. True we may have a stronger, intimate connection with some, but it doesn't mean it can only happen once. For whatever reason, this relationship isn't the right one for me? well i duno. If it were, i guess i still be in it.

"When you're feeling down, remember that. Know that your special someone is out there, and when you're ready you WILL find them. But, you have to start looking ahead of you to find him/she. He/she isn't going to be trailing in your shadows."<--- a consolation to be :)

Well m spenting my weekend to watch this i guess 溏心风暴之家好月园 ...
Can't believe it i been watching HK drama recently again ... and again how i wish life is like a drama at times :)

Horoscope ..beliefs ?

I always heard people mentioning about horoscope and to say something like ya ..all horoscope of this sign are like this or like that ... Whether you are superstitious or skeptical, horoscopes are as popular as they have ever been.

Do i believe ? Not at all! That's all just for entertainment. There's absolutely no truth or research done or anything to place any faith in horoscope

How is that advice different for your sign than any other? Wouldn't that advice be legitimate regardless of what day of the year you were born?

That's how horoscopes work. They just make vague statements and give vague advice that could work for anyone.

Well, there are millions of people sharing your same Astrological Sign. You read your horoscope and by coincidence it may apply to something that may happen tonight. It won't make any sense to most of those with your same sign. Maybe tomorrow one of those who didn't find anything significant on the horoscope that you think applies to you may find something, by chance, that will apply to them somehow. It is just pure chance and coincidence.

But still its a good guide or well a good motivation to be .. but i guess we just can't judge a person by horoscope or to rely on that.

Was at helipad yesterday again, ye with my gay buddy AGAIN. lol then all this topic come into mind and well debating faint faint .. but was a nice windy night to chill.

THen after that, we head to MOS since its free so take a walk lo, met some friends there, do some sight seeing and well then someone call so i make a move.

Happy and sad after that, or rather disappointed.

Nevertheless still keep things positive ...

Young and dangerous haha ...

Well free again today ..not really that free but still free ...lol

All the sudden i was browsing and came across the Ah beng thingy.
And it remind me when people calling me that ... lol .. i must have a face of that hee.

'Last time, I always had some swear words in all my sentences', now seldom, depends with who and who? well my era, nearly joined a secret society but still taking part in fights during that time, lol.

Well what is my attire during my sec sch times, bright-coloured jeans, white T-shirt, Cartier, JPG wallet and a long sharp-ended comb to keep the hair style in place ? lol ..ask me to do that now, i faint.

The worst i ever encounter is being surrounded and chase by a bunch of Ah beng at bugis after finish eating supper. Our group already have 10 over peeps and imagine being surrounded when step out of the food court.

Ah beng A say - what u looking at ...
Friend A say - well what do you want now ..
Ah beng B say - you were looking at our girls ..

Before my friend can say anything, my friend already kana beaten from behind by a bottle, well the bottle never break .. do u know breaking a bottle was never easy like what you see in shows ... well try it and u know.

During that time .. kao lo ..my friend all run, leaving me there blur blur, lucky i alert, i run too haha ...



Those were one of the accident i encounter .... keke ..

Well i need to chill .. drinking time ...

I love my Job ?

"I love my job, I love my job"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to convince myself to get out of bed."

There are days when I have to use an excessive amount of will power to get out of bed. Actually what really happens in my brain turns on a mind movie. I'm lying in bed dreaming and find that I'm an excellent swimmer, but a lousy shaver. I seem to have been thinking should i shave later.

It's at that point when my bill dressed as a great white shark come zooming towards me, then onMy i have to wake up. Why is it that everything always seems to make sense in a dream?


I really do like my job. I have a lot or responsibility and flexibility to do my job the way I see fit.
I been so busy for the past few months with deadline and heavy responsibility, stress out and now for this 2 weeks, m super free ... walking around in the office, smoking, surfing net and here writing blog ... dupz faint, wondering what to do next.

Thinking should i just head home, or date someone or stay and work OT.
I realize am becoming so wishy washy to certain things, pounding too much, care about too much , and at the end of the day, nothing is being done, just dragging myself back home.

Something interesting ...



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For the past few weeks, there are moments when I woke up in the middle of the nite feeling empty and the feeling just get worsen each time it comes. There are things which require my immediate attention, but I procrastinating. There are times when I wanted to blog, but no words come out right. I m tired of waiting for things to come; it will not come; and i dun wish it to happen too. Is it my life too mundane, or is the malevolent persistent flu making me exhausted, languid and lonely? I really hate this feeling, nevertheless still part of human art to complain lol.

Comic strip from parka is really amusing me, never fail to make me feel stupid hee



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faint ... wal piang still so long to knock off Zzzz

Make the laughter outweigh the tears ?

I been wondering wth i being doing lol ..

Definition of my life is going haywire ...
I need to relax and lighten up. Should not take myself too seriously and try not to over analyze things.
We cannot change the past, but we can enjoy today, and look to the future. If we are prepared to take ownership for the past and accept that everything that's happened in our life, good and bad, has made us the person we are - the battle is half won, that is what i always say but still time is going so slow and so many error along the way, so many troubleshooting and debugging to do, sigh hectic.

Well, Take the good with the bad. No one is happy all the time. Everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life.

Sunday bright shinny, wake up, kind of fresh, at least better then the feeling i get before i slept.
looking at the clock, seeing the time and wondering what to do.
Trying to make myself feel better and i guess be gracious and be thankful.

At times i wonder what i am trying to get, is it a short term satisfaction ?
Such as alcohol, sex. , and the effects die out very soon, leaving me with an empty feeling that is sometimes worse than before.. but well people still get happy over it somehow.

Today i read back my the other 2 blog .. i realize till now ..4 lady in my life which i really put in allot of effort for them ... which make me to what i am today.

Firstly Karen - someone who i owe allot ..for 2 years i being with her .... who has gone thru lots of up and down with me, but i guess till now i really feel she is a nice gal and i being selfish during my younger days, and also cause of you, i quit lots of things today which i never being doing and to realize what and how a relationship should be.

Secondly Jean - although just 3 months but she bring out the childishness in me ... someone whom i fall in love with after so long, but well still short and sweet.

Thirdly Michelle - my pillar, my everything that i be proud of, someone which till now inside my heart still hurt for the things i done and i regret.

Fourthly Sherlyn - someone who always have a place in my heart ... but well you throw my effort away, till today, i still hold on to your words for what u say to me.

The rest is either too short term or well being lead on although i wish to put my effort in them but always end up the wrong path or well never make me feel like loving or being love. But there is one who i let her down. or i guess m really too picky somehow.

I keep moving on and moving on but all i get is disappointment.
Lost touch of allot of things, the more i choose not to think the more i feel depress or i can't control my emotion to be .. era change, perspective point of view changes too .. and so how many people do know what they want ..

And well not forgetting my Gay buddy which being with me for this few months, which m really glad .. someone whom i know for many years .. someone also still struggling with life somehow, but i guess not that much ..but well maybe he need to stop being stubborn and listen to others in a way .. hmm wrong i guess, should be well move on to find what you want and don't wait for durian to drop .. but at times i feel he is doing the right way, least he don't get disappointed like what i feel .. but he is hiding in a cornor somewhere, waiting to be spotted by a guy then .. but still thanks ..

What i want is something which i laugh and smile from the bottom of my heart ....

Thinking back, if i ever able to turn back the time, will i still choose to go through what i go through, to love the girl i love, to give all my love to everyone and make the same mistakes i make? I might. As that wat make me who i am today.

At times, we regret about the past we been through and hope that we can turn back the time and undo the mistake. But we had forgotten that if we had not committed the mistakes, we will never able to learn from it and be a better person.

Many times in a relationship, we are always searching for the perfect person and even when in a relationship, we will compared and complaint about our bf/gf and wish that he/she can be the one we want. But we had forgotten the reasons and things that make us fall in love wif him/her. Not matter how much the person being giving to us or good to us, we will still think that it's not enough and asking for more. Wishing that he can be someone else. Everyone got their good and bad sides, at times we juz keep looking at the bad sides and start complaining and forgot about his good sides that we once love and treasure.

In a relationship, no one will be able to advice you and tell you what to do. As long as ur heart feel that it's right then go for it. End of the day, who are we to judge and comment the relationship. Juz treasure the moments and love wif all your heart and nvr regrets.

Happiness is a very subjective factor in one's life. Being happy doesn't depend on achieving what u want, but rather making the best out of what is given. Life isn't fair, it never was. The only thing that can make u completely happy is contentment.. Be content on what u have, but be sure to aim high & never stop believing that u can do better everytime.

Too much lust over love for the past few months ...?

Being awhile i wrote something, whenever i'm really down, i would write, and somehow i was disappointed with my life recently ...

What have i been doing lately ? - well drinking liquor like no tml, every week drink, every week chill ... and i guess karma do happen ..am i really doing wrong or somehow its not the time yet.

I been enjoying my work, that is where i can find sense of fulfillment.
But other then that, somehow what i have been looking is always not there or either i am too picky.
People i see, people i met, they seemed to me to be painfully naive and their innocence, particularly in the area of sexual morality,evoked my patronising sympathy somehow.

To have sex with someone is a profoundly meaningful thing and if misused the effects can be devastating. Making love for everyday needs ? Sex for communication ? :)

The difference between love and lust. Love honours, values and seeks the best for the beloved. It focuses on the other person. It's selfless, sacrificial and inseparable from commitment. Lust, on the other hand, seeks to use things or people to meet its needs and gratify its desires. It focuses inward on itself, is inherently selfish, and rejects commitment.


But somehow i guess i being native, to believe or easy to be lead on somehow, yes i m gracious on the surface but deep inside me, i feel disappointed.

Lust is powerful and seductive, but it's inherently selfish and opposed to love. As we foster and feed lust in our lives we're dragged inexorably towards isolation, loneliness, insecurity and emptiness. What do we have left when orgasm becomes boring and unsatisfying, left alone to face the pain of guilt and loneliness? and lust often replaces love.

Wait till the lust dies down and see what's left -- then we will blame the sky and earth .. but nevertheless who're we anyway, i guess at least with integrity and not to hurt the other party.

Well lesser expectation will come with lesser disappointment.
At times people just not being truthful somehow, not about what they did but about what they say and we choose to be native to believe it. And when you saw it with your eye, well thats bitches and bullshit.

I always see human beings complaining, saying how emo they feel, how bastard someone can be and bla bla bla ... but well do they really cherish for what they have somehow ...

I guess nothing is explainable, things do happen for a reason but i really hate being cheated or bluff .. the least i don't do that to people and i hope i don't deserve that either. And yes do i really look so native on the surface ? i guess i just continue to believe the time is not ripe yet ...